Change the Way You Speak to Yourself and Increase Your Chances of Success

A lot of people I speak to really want to break away from the normal 9 to 5 and to be fair most of them take the first tentative steps towards making this life changing move, they may have thought of a great way to make money or brought a book on how to start your own business or attend a seminar by someone who has done just what they would like to do, they may have even paid for a course that takes them step by step through the process of setting up a great money making system.

I know when I decided that I wanted to break away from the rat race I did all of the above and much more, spending thousands of pounds in the process BUT like most people, I never really got beyond those first few steps, in fact it was over TEN YEARS before I actually did grab the bull by the horns and put something into action. The amazing thing was after all that time it was one of the first ways to make money I learned of that I acted on and I have never looked back since.

So why do we do this? Why don't we take action if we want something as bad as we say we do? Why do we sit and procrastinate instead of doing something about it?

Well we usually come up with a number of excuses:

I'm not intelligent enough.

I didn't have a good education/get good grades/go to college. etc.

I haven't got the time.

I can't afford to do it.

I am too old/young.

I've never done anything like this before.

Or we put things off...

I will start Friday/next weekend/next month/when I have that week off work. etc.

I also know from experience one of the main reasons is fear!

Fear of failure!

Fear of change!

Fear of the unknown!

Fear of what other people will think of us!

The list goes on but generally comes back to that one irrational emotion;

False Evidence Appearing Real

The good news is we CAN do something about it, The bad news is its going to take a little bit of effort to address the problem. But don't worry its nothing complicated and its something that everyone can do.

What we have to do is change our mindset and to do this the first thing we need to do is change the way we speak to ourselves and this is what I'm going to be concentrating on today.

From very early on in life we talk to ourselves and what we say and how we say it has a big influence on how we react to the situations we find ourselves in as an adult. Over time we ( or the people around us/society in general ) brainwash ourselves with all kinds of limiting thoughts and notions of what we should do and what should make us happy.

So after a while all this self talk and outside influence helps to program our subconscious mind into accepting that we should be happy with what we do and what we have. After all you have a job/food on the table/ a roof over your head/ a car etc. so you should be satisfied with your lot right?

But is this really YOUR definition of happiness? Are you really satisfied with your lot?

I'm guessing that as you are reading this the answer is a resounding NO!

Well then it's time to admit to yourself that you are unhappy with where you are at this moment and that you are no longer going to accept life as it is. It's time to make your life what it can be and more to the point what it should be.

According to psychologists how we view life and more importantly how we view ourselves is largely set in stone by the time we are six years old. Just think about that for a while, everything we do in life, every decision we make, how we talk to ourselves and what we expect to achieve for ourselves is largely influenced by what kind of life we lived and what kind of experiences we had in those first few years!

Kind of scary eh?

So what does this mean?

In short it means that most of us talk to ourselves in a negative and unhelpful manner and this in turn restricts what we do or achieve with our lives.

Throughout the day we are talking to ourselves constantly either out loud or in our heads. Some of this self-talk is good - your dreams, your wants, your desires, your family, your friends, the little things that make you smile to yourself.

BUT some of it is negative and this stems from those experiences we were talking of earlier, those limiting influences that have got you nowhere. This kind of self-talk is what holds you back, it restricts you, brings you down and stops you from doing the things in life that you dream about.

This kind of self-talk is destructive and needs to be avoided at ALL costs. You must be aware of everything you are saying to yourself, whether it be out loud or in your head and when you find you are speaking to yourself in a negative way STOP!

Listen out for the positive things you say and concentrate on these instead, this is the kind of self-talk you have to nurture and as you do the negative self-talk will die back.

Once you allow the positive self-talk to flourish you will find great things start to happen with you as a person, to the way other people see and treat you and with your life in general.

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Improving The Quality Of Your Life One Step At A Time

Feel like your life is bankrupt sometimes? Knowing how to improve the quality of your life can't be left for chance or vague notions.

Knowing how others have improved the quality of their lifestyles is what you need. Here are 7 keys to guarantee the quality and substance of your life will get better:

1. You can't deny that all of your life hinges upon the quality of your health. Without good health, you can't maintain the lifestyle you desire, and good health doesn't stay by accident. Paying attention to your health is the starting place for improvement.

2. The way you handle finances has a direct bearing on the condition of every part of your life. Irresponsibility to money causes untold stress in every part of life. Personal money management is a must when it comes to improving your life.

3. The condition of your life is reflected by the friends you keep. You are the people you surround yourself with. Are your friends exemplifying the quality of life you desire? Chose friends wisely for the best life possible.

4. Gratitude is the unsung hero of all great people living dynamic and enhanced lives. Gratitude includes a thank you, but goes much deeper. Thankfulness for what you have is an attitude that when practiced brings life beyond your wildest expectations.

5. Simplicity is the opposite of confusion and drama. Make your life as simple as possible by deleting everything in it that you don't truly love. Take a look around your home, and decide what you truly need, and use. Discard everything else so that your life has room to expand and improve.

6. Give, give, give. Don't be tricked into thinking that giving what you have no use for will expand the quality of your life. To watch the quality of your life explode start looking around for someone in need of what you have already. Give your money, your possessions, and your time. When you give what you use and need it will come back many times over.

7. Last and not least is a plan to learn how to improve the quality of your life. Set aside an hour each week to do nothing more than think and read about methods for making your life better. This will make you conscious of what needs changing and how to change.

Getting the most out of anything always requires giving all you have, and life is no different. Make your life a long and rewarding adventure when you live it with a conscious intention to make it great.

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Think Your Way to a Better Life

Our thoughts are extremely powerful and either get us where we want to go or hinder us and hold us back from what we want to achieve so how do we think our way to a better life?

1. Realize the Importance of the Way you Think

I think the first step has to be realizing how influential your thoughts are in getting what you want out of life. If you realize their importance then you will make more effort in controlling your thoughts and focussing on the positive; if you don't realize their importance then you may just let your mind wander wherever is more natural for you and that may not be where you want to go. We need to take control of our thoughts before we can make them act for our good.

2. Take Note of Negative Thought Patterns and Take Steps to Overcome Them

Once you understand the important of your thoughts it is time to start taking note of your negative thought patterns that do not help you achieve what you want in life. Are you a procrastinator? Do you think that you will put off until tomorrow what should have been done yesterday? Do you commit self-sabotage? Do you think yourself into not succeeding at anything because you don't believe you will? Does negativity drain you of any energy you could put into more positive action? All of these thought patterns can be overcome and your mind can be trained to think right.

3. The Power of Affirmations and Visualization

Not only do you need to overcome negative thought patterns but you also need to train yourself to think positively and the best tools for this are visualization and affirmation. Visualization focusses you on what you want to achieve. It is a deliberate thinking about where you want to be. Affirmations fill your mind with positive thoughts and confessions and help you think positively and go after what you want in life. Picture yourself where you want to be instead of focussing on what you don't want in your life.

Why is Positive Thinking so Important Anyway?

In the first point I said you need to realize the importance of positive thinking, but why is it important? The fact is that when we focus on the negative we are drained of all energy and will become depressed and find it difficult to achieve the things we want to achieve. When we focus on what we want to become we find ways of making it happen. We have more energy to carry out the plans we develop for achieving our goals and gradually our life becomes totally different as we take these small actions and change the way we think.

Start taking control of your thoughts today - think positively, develop plans and visualize where you want to be instead of focusing on where you are. 

Before anything can happen it needs to begin as a thought; so think right.

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3 Tips for Going Off Autopilot & Taking Back Control of Your Life

Today I want to share some ideas for going off of autopilot and instead living your life on purpose. There are definitely times when doing things automatically is beneficial, but if you live in this 'auto-space' all the time, you allow life to happen to you rather than living your life the way you want.

Here are three ideas that you can use to live your life on purpose and by doing so, raise your vibrational energy, attract more positive things to you, get more done and feel much more vibrant, powerful and fulfilled.

Tip #1: Move out of the shadow and into the light. What makes you tick, what are you passionate about, where are you holding back? Tune in to who you really are and let her shine!

This is a huge topic that many books have been written on so let's just focus in on one little point... what are you doing to hold yourself back?

Most of us have been trained to hide a little bit (or a lot) of who we are. Maybe you've been told you laugh too loud or you're too quick to trust other people. Maybe it's been suggested you daydream too much and need to spend more time focusing on getting things done. Labels like; you're lazy, scattered, impulsive, lack self-control... all influence who you are and what you believe about yourself (even positive labels can hold you back!).

You also could be in a job you don't really like, but are there because someone else felt that's the career you should have. It's possible you feel afraid to course correct at this point in your life because you took schooling to get where you are or you've worked so hard to climb the ladder and to change now would seem like such a waste. Or maybe you're afraid if you stop you'll be seen as a quitter or people will think you're not smart enough, strong enough or committed enough to see things through.

Becoming aware of the areas of your life that are within your control and then using this awareness to help you make positive changes in your life is called conscious living. Noticing where you feel stagnant, uninspired or held back and then thinking about what you might do to make things just a little better can be a really great starting place for living this kind of life.

Doing things to please other people, pushing aside your real dreams and desires because you think (or have been told) they are too fanciful, is stopping you from reaching your full potential.

So when you consciously detect something is amiss, don't disregard it or push it aside because it's inconvenient. Instead, notice it, journal about it, explore it fully and see what comes to light.

Commit to finding and revealing the real you - I guarantee you she is wonderful and worth exploring.

Tip #2: Open yourself up to receive - gifts, compliments, love, healing, a helping hand...

This sounds like such a simple thing to do, yet it is not. Most of us have been taught that to need something from someone else makes you weak, immodest or sets you up to owe them and we do not like to be indebted to others. This stops us from being a true team member and collaborating effectively with others, plus it robs us of the pleasure receiving can bring.

If you struggle with receiving you can end up blocking everything you've ever desired from coming your way. Receiving and the pleasure it brings are two key pieces to filling up your tank so it's very important you learn how open up to it.

A simple way to increase your awareness around how well you receive things is to tune in to what you do or say when someone tries to give you something - like a compliment or praise. Really notice your response (even if it's just in your head!).

For example, if you just ran a meeting and I came up to you after to say "I just want to say you did a really awesome job chairing that meeting." How might you respond?

Most people will have patterns or habits that deflect, correct, deny, reciprocate, minimize, reject or question the compliment without even realizing they are doing it.

If you're honest with yourself, you'll likely find receiving a compliment can be quite a challenge. If so, here's what you might want to practice instead.

Feel the compliment, take it in, smile and respond with something like,

"Thank you, it feels great to hear you say that."

"Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"It did go well, didn't it? Thanks for confirming that for me."

Tip #3: Practice forgiving - every situation you encounter in life is meant to help you evolve as a soul. This can be a hard pill to swallow if you've been abused, abandoned, traumatized, tortured or experienced other things in life that feel very personal and hurtful. So I say this with much compassion and love... forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Forgiveness allows you to take back the energy you are investing in being mad, hurt, ashamed, disgusted or revengeful and to instead surround yourself with the positive energy of compassion and understanding. You see, as long as you refuse to forgive someone - even yourself, you make it impossible for that relationship to evolve.

Refusing to forgive someone else gives them space, rent free, in your head. Refusing to forgive yourself stops you from healing and ever truly loving yourself.

When you feel like you've been wronged or done something wrong... you carry that energy with you in your heart. As a result, you push yourself harder, are less trustful of your own guidance, you create impossible and inflexible standards for yourself AND you lower your vibrational energy.

When you are able to forgive and learn to appreciate how that situation helped you become who you are today, everything changes.

The ability to forgive will help you plug a drain that is stopping you from fully owning your power. I know it feels like you are flexing your power muscles by refusing to forgive, but - as counter-intuitive as it seems - the exact opposite is actually true.

By tuning into where you are disconnected from yourself and holding yourself back, you open the door to all kinds of beautiful discoveries. By opening yourself up to receive those good things, you increase your vibrancy, recharge your battery and become more abundant. By remembering to forgive both yourself and others when things don't go as you might have liked, you are benefitting from the lessons and plugging a drain that could otherwise put you back in your shadow.

The more you practice these three things the easier they will become and before you know it you're living your life in a vibrant and powerful way.

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What To Do What Your Anger Is Out Of Control

How frequent is it when you notice that your anger and emotions are getting out of control that's driving you all sorts of inappropriate, reckless, crazy behaviors?

To the majority of us, it's undeniable that life is tough, challenging and stressful these days. However, it is still important to learn how to control your temper.

One critical thing to remember is that you are always 100% in control of your emotions.

While you should never find yourself in a situation that you can't control, you always have choices as to how to react to any kinds of situations.

By allowing yourself to even think that your temper is controlled by other people or circumstances, you are just making an excuse for yourself!

To a certain extent, anger is actually a powerful emotional response.

It reminds you what you don't like about your life and what matters to you. It allows you freely express your frustrated feelings, but it should never overpower your self-control.

If you find that you are turning into a violent beast when angry hits you, you have an imminent dangerous problem to fix. If you really find it difficult to handle, you might as well consult some anger management experts for advice.

Remember this powerful paradigm shift: It is not how you are feeling that is wrong. It is what you do with your feelings that become the issue.

If you allow yourself to throw a tantrum and fling your arms around, ranting wildly like a lion king, this is obviously not a good sign. You are liable to hurt other people's feelings as well as possibly causing them physical harm.

When you let your temper get the better out of you, you may face serious consequences like:

Detrimental to your unstable mental health

Severely damaging your physical health, some may even trigger heart attacks or latent diseases

Ruining your professional career because you're confronting your boss, colleagues or even clients in a mindless way

Destroying relationships with friends, family, lovers and co-workers

Failing to create the kind of impact you want in the world because no one wants to help you with your vision and mission

Luckily, there are solutions to this problem.

Your first step is to seek out help and learn to manage your temper in a more effective way. This can include group therapy or it can consist of you learning how to manage your anger by yourself.

Learning to control your temper will take time, energy, effort and patience. One of the first things you should do is to try to determine what the root cause of your anger is.

Did you grow up in an angry household where you witnessed a lot of fights and dramas? 

Have you experienced a traumatic event in the past about people?

Sometimes the root cause of anger can be hidden deep inside. It is only with a lot of self-reflection, soul-searching and meditating that the answers will be revealed.

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed and start making a list of all the things that make you angry. Then put them in order of importance - which one lights your fuse first. Once you know what your root cause is, you will be able to devise a better strategy to deal with it and slowly change your behavior.

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How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People?

The trouble with passive-aggression is that both the giver and the receiver often have no idea what's really going on. In other words, the person who's passive-aggressive (P-A) may know he hates conflict, may know he's feeling a little angry and may know he's covering it up. But he doesn't register how rancorous he really feels.

The person who's the object of the P-A's anger may never know what hit him because the rancor is well disguised. Consequently these incidents go largely unacknowledged for what they really are-hostility.

If you love a passive-aggressive person, you are probably making excuses for him on a regular basis. "Oh he can't help procrastinating, he's got so much on his plate." In truth, he procrastinates finishing the job you need to make you suffer. He never wanted to do it in the first place. Or, you defend his disturbing joke with something like this: "He's such a kidder." Really, the joke was not funny at all. Instead, it was thinly veiled hostility.

Identify hostile behavior.

There's that word again. Hostility. Once you realize the root of your loved one's passive-aggressive behavior is hostility, you can begin to deal with the problem. The first thing to do is stop making excuses for him. After all, he's really behaved in a hostile way toward you. And you've probably let him have his way without calling him on it. Perhaps for years. Now is the time to acknowledge that while the hostility is not overt, it's there, and maybe even more damaging than obvious anger. So what can you do?

Tell him the truth and consequences.

When a P-A is late and causes you to wait, or procrastinates, and puts your project in jeopardy, don't let him get away with it. Be open and honest enough to let him know that he's inconvenienced you. Repeatedly. Let him know that if he does this again you won't wait for him. Let him know that if he procrastinates you'll get someone else to partner with on your project. And then follow through and do it.

Call him on his dishonesty.

If your passive-aggressive mate tells you he supports your efforts to diet, and then fills the fridge with ice cream and cookies, you know one thing. He actually does not support your diet. Actions speak louder than words, and in this case, the P-A is not telling you the truth when he speaks. He is sabotaging you. You need to tell him so in an assertive and respectful way. You may not be able to change his behavior, but at least you have brought the issue out into the open.

When you confront a P-A with the truth about his behavior, you may also point out that it's often just as detrimental to him as it is to you. When he expresses his anger in an unhealthy way, sometimes it causes even more conflict-the one thing passive-aggressive people find so difficult to tolerate. When he sweeps an unpleasant issue under the rug, it really doesn't hide the problem-it only prolongs it. Being straightforward with him about his behavior can help you both.

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I Don't Like Me When I'm Angry

I have to admit, I get angry at times. There are moments when something happens or someone does something, and I get upset. I'm human. Anger is a normal emotional response to things. If you have ever met someone who says they do not get angry ever, then they are probably not being honest with themselves.

However, when I was younger, I would hold onto my anger in a righteous manner. I would almost feed my grudge until it was larger than it originally was. It would take my energy for days and ruin my mood and even affect those around me. The worst part was, when I would run across the person who had so upset me to begin with days or weeks later, they were usually fine and going on with their life. I was the one who was stuck in the black hole of my own negativity.

We are all composed of energy. And unfortunately, negativity seems to affect us more easily and longer than positivity. That is, it tends to take more positivity and more awareness on our part to focus on the positive to combat all the negativity that is around us every day. This is even more vital if we are creating and feeding that own negativity within ourselves.

The Buddha is quoted as saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Holding onto anger truly only affects the one holding onto it. The other people can choose to move on with their lives, but in order for you to, you must let it go. This is not always easy but once you do, you will be amazed at the freedom and lightness that will come into your life. Let go of the anger and free yourself from the poison.

1) Are you holding onto any grudges right now? If so, it's time to let it go. Realize it is in the past and focus on the positive.

2) The next time you get upset, allow yourself to feel it but then let it go. Do not feed the anger or keep making it bigger in your head. Remember, not everything will go your way all the time and that is okay.

3) For the next 21 days, wake up each morning and say one thing you are grateful for. Throughout the day, focus on that positive thing.

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Five Steps to Transform Your Anger

If we lose objectivity due to our anger, we lose control of ourselves and the situation. There are five steps we can take to transform our anger into something positive and constructive.

Step #1: Disengage from the Situation

When we disengage, we focus on the results we want while we cool down. We can either physically remove ourselves from the situation or take an emotional time out. Disengaging is not the same as withdrawal, which is in effect a power play that involves resisting the other person's feelings. It is simply a way to keep defensiveness from escalating.

Disengaging means setting aside differences temporarily and being willing to address them at a later time. It is taking a time-out to reflect, reduce the tension, and let our emotions settle.

At the same time, it is important to assure the other person they will get to have their say. Setting a specified time to renew the discussion is one way to communicate our intention to deal with the issues. The effect of this is to acknowledge the other person's point of view (and their worth) without saying we will agree with them.

To effectively disengage, we need to make two basic assumptions:

1. that our own competence is not in question, and

2. that we are not being personally attacked.

Step #2: Defuse Anger

Anger is almost always accompanied by self-talk that focuses on what seems unfair or hurtful, an unmet expectation, how upset we are, or how we are going to react. To defuse anger, we need to rewrite that script.

Try to discover the thoughts that are fueling your anger. Then test each thought:

· Is it based on observable facts?

· Is it giving you good ideas to calm yourself and resolve the problem you face?

· Is it free of distortion?

If you answer "no" to any of these three questions, your thinking is likely making the situation worse and should be discarded.

Step #3: Determine the Desired Positive Outcome

Our goal is to find a more positive yet rational view of the situation. We need to focus on realistic expectations for this person or situation based on past behavior. Then we need to create a plan for what we will do next time rather than getting angry or inappropriately expressing our anger.

A good plan is specific and describes actions that we will take. It is under our control and its outcome can be measured. Having a plan increases our sense of control and will actually reduce any anger arousal that might potentially be triggered.

In order to create your plan, place the unpleasant situation in the context of current and past factual events that are more acceptable to you. Then reevaluate it in the light of less threatening facts that help you understand another person's actions. Review your own strengths and consider what you need to help you cope with this situation.

Step #4: Discover the Other Person's Needs

Effective listening can make us more competent, defuse anger in others, help us understand others, win respect, and build self-esteem in others. Inquiring about the other person's concerns and listening actively can help build a foundation of mutual trust.

When we feel the need to criticize people or correct their behavior, it helps to remember what it is like to be on the other side. To empathize is to figuratively put ourselves in the other person's place.

It is also useful to empathize when we feel we're being personally attacked and are about to become defensive ourselves. If we try to understand what may have motivated the other person's behavior, we may be less likely to react in a way that escalates the situation.

Step #5: Discuss Mutual Needs and Desired Outcomes

When we communicate our feelings, needs and goals to the other person, we want to do it in an assertive win-win problem-solving manner that is least likely to generate a defensive response.

A powerful, non-defensive way to do this is through "I statements." Beginning with "I statements" says we are taking responsibility for our communication. The statements often begin with the words "I feel."

James Creighton suggests following up "I feel" with words that describe our emotions, followed by a description of the precipitating event, and then its tangible or emotional impact.

An example is: "I feel (I statement) angry (emotion) that I had to look all over for the car keys (precipitating event). Because it took so much time, I was late for my appointment (tangible impact).

An example in the workplace might be: "I feel (I statement) upset (emotion) that I did not receive your marketing budget on time (precipitating event). Because it was late, I will need to rewrite the proposal (tangible impact)."

According to communications trainer Robert Bolton, at least 90 percent of non-blaming messages that describe tangible effects result in the other person trying to resolve the problem.

To skillfully disclose our concerns to the other person, we also need to avoid the use of words and phrases that convey absolutes, such as "never," "always," and "absolutely certain." They will most often trigger a defensive response.

There are times when we need to inquire to uncover the concerns of the other person. Asking questions allows us to focus on our task rather than our disagreement. After we inquire, we need to listen carefully, giving the other person our complete attention.

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3 Ways Your Stressful Thoughts Can HELP YOU!

It's Not You! 

Become aware that these churning thoughts could not be there without YOU noticing them. No matter how loud and overwhelming they might seem - you are not the thought - you are observing the thought. That means that YOU are bigger than all of that.

Managing Your Thoughts? 

It's impossible to monitor or manage your thoughts. No matter how hard you try to be more positive or to empty your mind - thoughts come and go, unbidden. But thoughts always come and then go; none stay forever. Stress only arises when you think that there is something wrong with all your thinking. Try not to touch that thought for a moment. Thoughts are like movies projected on a screen. They really can't hurt you unless you engage with them. Then they become powerful! Then they seem real. And then they can evoke a physiological response. When you engage it can send your heart racing and make your palms sweaty and really scare the pants off you - but it's still just a movie. Your thoughts are no different - unless you engage. Concepts really have no power unless they are believed. This is how your personal world is established - by the concepts you believe. A concept that is believed can start a war - or it can move mountains!

1. Choose Your Engagement 

This is where your power lies. You can't choose which thoughts come and go but you can choose which ones you want to engage. Why choose a thought that makes you feel bad and disempowers you? Why focus on the worse case scenario? That thought is no more "realistic" that the thought that feels good but the outcomes are very different. The thought that feels good empowers you, makes you strong, helps you to achieve. The quality of your life and your achievements are directly proportionate to your ability to manage your emotions. It starts with engaging with the thoughts that empower you.

2. Speak Your Empowerment 

Next speak the empowerment. Don't be a sheep! Don't gather round the water cooler and baah with all the other sheep about the latest disaster or even the latest tragedy or gun violence - even if it appears socially conscious; unless you're willing to tithe your power and success to your social conscience. Use empowering language and choose empowering topics.

3. Engage Your Physiology 

Finally, engage your physiology. Your body posture has a powerful effect on your emotions. You can tell when someone is depressed or insecure - they slump. Turns out your Mom was right: sit up straight, put a smile on your face! There is scientific evidence that when you stand up straight for only 2 minutes your emotions change. Immediately you feel better and more confident.

So when your racing thoughts get the better of you, realize that you're bigger than all of that and choose empowerment.

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How to Stay Calm: 17 Tips for Stressful and Frustrating Situations

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”
Sydney J. Harris

The stress is rising. You’re starting to feel frustrated with situation you’re in. Or angry. Or maybe sad and like you just want to pack up and go home.

But at the same time you also know that you need to keep calm.

To be able to think clearly. To not overreact, make the wrong decision or to not say the wrong thing in a moment of anger, overwhelm or confusion.

I’m sure you – just like me – have been in situations like these many times.

So this week I’d like to share 17 habits and strategies that have helped me to keep calm and to keep moving forward.


1. Just breathe.

This is pretty much always step one for me.

Just take a few deep breaths and focus fully on them to calm down a bit. If you have the time in the situation you’re in then I recommend sitting down for 1-2 minutes to do this. Only focus on the air slowly going and out and nothing else.

2. Then think of the consequences.

If you’re in a situation where you need to reply to what someone just said then follow up your few deep breaths with thinking about the consequences if you reply with overly tough words or if you back down instead of calmly standing your ground.

If you have an email or a phone message you need to reply to then consider taking more time to cool down – anywhere between 10 minutes to the next day – to get yourself into the right headspace before you reply.

3. Remember: It’s not always about you.

If someone attacks you with harsh words in a conversation or via email or phone then remind yourself that this may not even be about you.

He might be going overboard or overreacting because he’s having a bad day with a sick child or just a lot of things going wrong. Or she may lash out because she’s unhappy with her job, marriage or haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a while.

This reminder helps me to not take everything so personally and to think for a minute and calm down instead of being reactive and escalating the situation.

4. Take it just one small – or tiny – step at a time.

If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out then don’t make the classic mistake of thinking you have to do everything at once to solve this situation.

Just focus on making a start. On one small step or even just a tiny one you can take to move forward.

I find that when I approach a situation like this then I rarely get stuck in analysis paralysis and my mind calms down when I know I only have to do one small thing at a time.

5. Question your perspective.

If you feel that you’re starting to get really frustrated, angry or sad about a situation then question your perspective before it goes any further.

Ask yourself:
How would I think and feel it if I were in his or her shoes? This one can help you to go from negative emotions to empathy and understanding. And that tends to help to both calm down and to find a solution for the both of you.
Will this matter in 5 years? Or even in 5 weeks? This one grounds me and helps me to stop sweating all the small stuff and to not make mountains out molehills in everyday life. And it helps me to once again focus my time and energy on what truly matters in my life.

6. What would someone else do?

Another way to change your perspective in a tough situation is to get outside of your own head a bit.

Do that by asking yourself: what would X do in this situation?

Some good people or characters that you could use for the X and this question are:
Winnie the Pooh.
Mom or dad.
Your calm and wise friend.

Find a person in your life or someone from a book, movie etc. that you truly like and ask yourself what he or she would do to find a new perspective.

7. Cycle fully focused work with 100% rest.

This could be a solution if you’re stressed today.

But it is more importantly a long term solution to reduce stress levels and to consistently put yourself in a better headspace to handle the inevitable setbacks and crises that will happen at work.

You need to clear boundaries for this to work though.

Here are three such boundaries I use in my own life.
A start time and stop time for my work day. And that’s 8 o clock in the morning and 7 o clock in the evening.
A break every 45 minutes. Usually, after about 45 minutes of work I take a 10-15 minute break. If I have trouble with following that guideline and work too much then I use the alarm function on my smart phone to stick to my work/rest cycle.
No work on weekends. I stay away from the work computer except for doing one quick check of my inbox. And I only reply to emails there that are urgent. The rest can wait until Monday. If you use a work phone then leave it at your job. Or at least keep it off and only check the messages 1-2 times per weekend.

8. Remember to keep things extremely simple.

Here’s a reminder that I’ve used more time than I can count: “Keep things extremely simple”.

It used to be at the top of my white board for over a year to remind me to not overcomplicate and to think of situations and solutions in the simplest way I could. Overthinking is a big contributor to stress and to spending too much time and energy on things that aren’t really that complicated.

I quite often sandwich this reminder between first focusing on my breathing and then following it up with focusing on one small or tiny step forward.

9. Ask instead of guessing.

Trying to mindread someone can quickly amplify stress and frustration. Because it’s pretty much impossible to do.

Plus, it can easily lead to a much worse scenario in your mind than what is actually going on in the other person’s head.

So communicate and ask what you want to ask.

10. Be 10 minutes early.

Not much help when you’re already in stressful situation. But a good reminder for tomorrow and next week.

Plan a bit ahead so that you can – as often as possible – let transportation time between meetings and destinations during your day become a small window where you can fully relax and rejuvenate so that you’ll be able to do fully focused work or be truly engaged when you arrive.

11. Reduce your to-do list.
A big or seemingly endless to-do list can cause a ton of overwhelm and stress.

To calm down simply ask yourself: what would I work on if I only had 2 hours for work today?

Then work on that task one step at a time.

This one helps me to quickly find my focus and to get started with doing one of truly most important things when I’m stressed. And it helps me to be selective with what I put on my to-do list for the day and week in the first place.

12. Go for a 5-15 minute laugh break.

When you feel overwhelmed and it’s hard to think then you can take this somewhat odd but effective kind of break.

For maybe 5-15 minutes focus on having fun, smiling and laughing.

Laughing and finding some fun breaks stress and tension. It helps your mind to relax.

You can do this by just spending a bit of time with someone at work, in school or at home that you know you’ll have fun with.

But I also recommend having a small mental or physical folder of things that you know will make you laugh.

For me it’s for example episodes of the Simpsons or comics by The Oatmeal and Jim Benton.

After that break you can return to your work or the situation that you’re trying to figure out with a lighter mind.

13. Take some time for yourself in nature.

A more conventional alternative to laugh breaks is to take a break where you go out in nature and spend some time in silence there to recharge yourself.

I usually take these breaks by going out for a slow walk in our nearby forest where I take in all the sounds, sights and smells for a little while.

14. Ask for help.

You don’t always have to go it alone in these situations. You can ask a friend, family member or even someone you may not know that well for a bit of help.

You might not always get it but you may be surprised at how helpful people can be if you just ask.

15. Just take care of today.

It’s hard to keep calm if you look at all the things you may have to get to done to solve a situation or to overcome a challenge.

That’s why I’ve already shared a few tips that help you to concentrate on a much smaller part of the situation. Such as when you focus on just one small or tiny step or when you ask yourself the question about what you’d work on if you only had 2 hours for work today.

Here’s another one of those tips and habits that help me.

What you do is simply to tell yourself: just take care of today.

Concentrate only on that. Forget about all the tomorrows for now. Narrow your focus and take care of only today.

Tomorrow will come in time and you can take care of it then.

16. Had a setback? Then be your own best friend.

Don’t let a temporary setback drag you down into a thought spiral of defeatism and negativity.

Instead, ask yourself this to keep going on a healthier track even if you don’t feel so good at the moment:

How would my best friend or my parent support me and help me in this situation?

Then do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

17. Listen to yourself.

If you feel you’re having more trouble than usual with staying calm in several situations and you’re really frustrated in general and drained of energy then listen to yourself.

Step back before you run right into a brick wall and do or say something you really wouldn’t usually do.

Schedule more time to just take care of yourself.

Spend one evening – or a few – in bed and just watch your favorite TV-shows or movies. Take a trip over the weekend and just focus on relaxing and doing what you think is fun or fulfilling. Spend more time out in nature for a few days or a week.

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3 Tips on Getting Your To Do List Completed

One of the most frequently asked questions from my clients is "how do I get my "to do" list completed"? It seems as if the to do list is a never ending list of tasks to be completed. Every day the list stares you in the face or you just plain forget about it. Sometimes I am just sitting outside and realize there is something I need to add to the list. Some of you have home and work to do lists which makes it even more overwhelming.

The first tip and the best and most effective way to complete a task on your "to do " list is to schedule it. Put it on your calendar as you would a doctor's appointment. Start with some easy ones to adjust to doing a task. Do not try to put all of the to do list on the calendar at one time. This will lead to failure and you will be in the same boat as you are now. Start with one task and one day. Make sure you complete it and celebrate the accomplishment. Move on to another task a few days later and continue as time allows. Once you have the hang of scheduling and completing a task on your to do list, prioritize and organize the list so you know the tasks that need completing sooner rather than later.

I know some items are difficult or too big to schedule on a day such as painting your deck or your entire room. Factors such as weather and enough time will hinder this and other tasks. Fortunately, not all tasks on your to do list are hindered by other factors other than that most of us just cannot seem to get them done.

The second tip is to start timing your tasks so you will better understand how long they are taking you. Nothing is more derailing then to have an hour scheduled for something and it takes 2 hours. You need to become more aware of your time. A good exercise is to write down everything you do during the day and how long you do each item. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning, get to work, grocery shop and read the paper. Doing this for a week will really open your eyes to how your time is spent.

The last tip is to review your list weekly to really make sure that all the tasks on the to do list are still relevant and if some can be assigned to someone else. If your to do list is a mile long, the reality is you will never get it completed and this will frustrate you to just not do any of it. Prioritizing them will help in this aspect as you will discover many tasks might be able to be delegate to others.

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