How to Stay Calm: 17 Tips for Stressful and Frustrating Situations

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”
Sydney J. Harris

The stress is rising. You’re starting to feel frustrated with situation you’re in. Or angry. Or maybe sad and like you just want to pack up and go home.

But at the same time you also know that you need to keep calm.

To be able to think clearly. To not overreact, make the wrong decision or to not say the wrong thing in a moment of anger, overwhelm or confusion.

I’m sure you – just like me – have been in situations like these many times.

So this week I’d like to share 17 habits and strategies that have helped me to keep calm and to keep moving forward.


1. Just breathe.

This is pretty much always step one for me.

Just take a few deep breaths and focus fully on them to calm down a bit. If you have the time in the situation you’re in then I recommend sitting down for 1-2 minutes to do this. Only focus on the air slowly going and out and nothing else.

2. Then think of the consequences.

If you’re in a situation where you need to reply to what someone just said then follow up your few deep breaths with thinking about the consequences if you reply with overly tough words or if you back down instead of calmly standing your ground.

If you have an email or a phone message you need to reply to then consider taking more time to cool down – anywhere between 10 minutes to the next day – to get yourself into the right headspace before you reply.

3. Remember: It’s not always about you.

If someone attacks you with harsh words in a conversation or via email or phone then remind yourself that this may not even be about you.

He might be going overboard or overreacting because he’s having a bad day with a sick child or just a lot of things going wrong. Or she may lash out because she’s unhappy with her job, marriage or haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a while.

This reminder helps me to not take everything so personally and to think for a minute and calm down instead of being reactive and escalating the situation.

4. Take it just one small – or tiny – step at a time.

If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out then don’t make the classic mistake of thinking you have to do everything at once to solve this situation.

Just focus on making a start. On one small step or even just a tiny one you can take to move forward.

I find that when I approach a situation like this then I rarely get stuck in analysis paralysis and my mind calms down when I know I only have to do one small thing at a time.

5. Question your perspective.

If you feel that you’re starting to get really frustrated, angry or sad about a situation then question your perspective before it goes any further.

Ask yourself:
How would I think and feel it if I were in his or her shoes? This one can help you to go from negative emotions to empathy and understanding. And that tends to help to both calm down and to find a solution for the both of you.
Will this matter in 5 years? Or even in 5 weeks? This one grounds me and helps me to stop sweating all the small stuff and to not make mountains out molehills in everyday life. And it helps me to once again focus my time and energy on what truly matters in my life.

6. What would someone else do?

Another way to change your perspective in a tough situation is to get outside of your own head a bit.

Do that by asking yourself: what would X do in this situation?

Some good people or characters that you could use for the X and this question are:
Winnie the Pooh.
Mom or dad.
Your calm and wise friend.

Find a person in your life or someone from a book, movie etc. that you truly like and ask yourself what he or she would do to find a new perspective.

7. Cycle fully focused work with 100% rest.

This could be a solution if you’re stressed today.

But it is more importantly a long term solution to reduce stress levels and to consistently put yourself in a better headspace to handle the inevitable setbacks and crises that will happen at work.

You need to clear boundaries for this to work though.

Here are three such boundaries I use in my own life.
A start time and stop time for my work day. And that’s 8 o clock in the morning and 7 o clock in the evening.
A break every 45 minutes. Usually, after about 45 minutes of work I take a 10-15 minute break. If I have trouble with following that guideline and work too much then I use the alarm function on my smart phone to stick to my work/rest cycle.
No work on weekends. I stay away from the work computer except for doing one quick check of my inbox. And I only reply to emails there that are urgent. The rest can wait until Monday. If you use a work phone then leave it at your job. Or at least keep it off and only check the messages 1-2 times per weekend.

8. Remember to keep things extremely simple.

Here’s a reminder that I’ve used more time than I can count: “Keep things extremely simple”.

It used to be at the top of my white board for over a year to remind me to not overcomplicate and to think of situations and solutions in the simplest way I could. Overthinking is a big contributor to stress and to spending too much time and energy on things that aren’t really that complicated.

I quite often sandwich this reminder between first focusing on my breathing and then following it up with focusing on one small or tiny step forward.

9. Ask instead of guessing.

Trying to mindread someone can quickly amplify stress and frustration. Because it’s pretty much impossible to do.

Plus, it can easily lead to a much worse scenario in your mind than what is actually going on in the other person’s head.

So communicate and ask what you want to ask.

10. Be 10 minutes early.

Not much help when you’re already in stressful situation. But a good reminder for tomorrow and next week.

Plan a bit ahead so that you can – as often as possible – let transportation time between meetings and destinations during your day become a small window where you can fully relax and rejuvenate so that you’ll be able to do fully focused work or be truly engaged when you arrive.

11. Reduce your to-do list.
A big or seemingly endless to-do list can cause a ton of overwhelm and stress.

To calm down simply ask yourself: what would I work on if I only had 2 hours for work today?

Then work on that task one step at a time.

This one helps me to quickly find my focus and to get started with doing one of truly most important things when I’m stressed. And it helps me to be selective with what I put on my to-do list for the day and week in the first place.

12. Go for a 5-15 minute laugh break.

When you feel overwhelmed and it’s hard to think then you can take this somewhat odd but effective kind of break.

For maybe 5-15 minutes focus on having fun, smiling and laughing.

Laughing and finding some fun breaks stress and tension. It helps your mind to relax.

You can do this by just spending a bit of time with someone at work, in school or at home that you know you’ll have fun with.

But I also recommend having a small mental or physical folder of things that you know will make you laugh.

For me it’s for example episodes of the Simpsons or comics by The Oatmeal and Jim Benton.

After that break you can return to your work or the situation that you’re trying to figure out with a lighter mind.

13. Take some time for yourself in nature.

A more conventional alternative to laugh breaks is to take a break where you go out in nature and spend some time in silence there to recharge yourself.

I usually take these breaks by going out for a slow walk in our nearby forest where I take in all the sounds, sights and smells for a little while.

14. Ask for help.

You don’t always have to go it alone in these situations. You can ask a friend, family member or even someone you may not know that well for a bit of help.

You might not always get it but you may be surprised at how helpful people can be if you just ask.

15. Just take care of today.

It’s hard to keep calm if you look at all the things you may have to get to done to solve a situation or to overcome a challenge.

That’s why I’ve already shared a few tips that help you to concentrate on a much smaller part of the situation. Such as when you focus on just one small or tiny step or when you ask yourself the question about what you’d work on if you only had 2 hours for work today.

Here’s another one of those tips and habits that help me.

What you do is simply to tell yourself: just take care of today.

Concentrate only on that. Forget about all the tomorrows for now. Narrow your focus and take care of only today.

Tomorrow will come in time and you can take care of it then.

16. Had a setback? Then be your own best friend.

Don’t let a temporary setback drag you down into a thought spiral of defeatism and negativity.

Instead, ask yourself this to keep going on a healthier track even if you don’t feel so good at the moment:

How would my best friend or my parent support me and help me in this situation?

Then do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

17. Listen to yourself.

If you feel you’re having more trouble than usual with staying calm in several situations and you’re really frustrated in general and drained of energy then listen to yourself.

Step back before you run right into a brick wall and do or say something you really wouldn’t usually do.

Schedule more time to just take care of yourself.

Spend one evening – or a few – in bed and just watch your favorite TV-shows or movies. Take a trip over the weekend and just focus on relaxing and doing what you think is fun or fulfilling. Spend more time out in nature for a few days or a week.

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How to Live a Happy Life: 10 Things to Say Yes to Starting Today

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Marcus Aurelius

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
Abraham Lincoln

“If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else.”
Chinese Proverb

Saying no is often the easier way out.

When you say no you can safely stay within your comfort zone. You don’t have to fear failing or being rejected. The scary unknown and sometimes difficult change can be avoided.

But if you say yes your life can expand and deepen. The yes allows you to open up your life to more happiness.

Today I would like to share 10 things that I have said yes to and that have helped me to become happier in my life.

Pick one of these that resonate the most with you and focus on making it a part of your life.

1. Being imperfect.

Trying to be perfect is setting the bar too high. It will be impossible to reach. And so you’ll lower your self-esteem. You may not feel very happy about how things are going in your life. Even though they might be going very well indeed.

Perfectionism is mindset that eats at you and your happiness. Saying yes to being imperfect can turn that around.

How to do it:

• Realize the costs of buying into myths of perfection. By watching too many movies, listening to too many songs and just taking in what the world is telling you it is very easy to be lulled into dreams of perfection. It sounds so good and wonderful and you want it.
  But in real life it clashes with reality and it can harm or possibly lead you to end relationships, jobs, projects etc. just because your expectations are out of this world. I find it very helpful to remind myself of this simple fact.
• Go for good enough. Aiming for perfection usually winds up in a project or something else very slowly or never being finished. So go for good enough instead. Don’t use it as an excuse to slack off. But simply realize that there is something called good enough and when you are there then you are finished with whatever you are doing.

2. Being you.

Not being able to be yourself, always trying to change for others or censoring yourself don’t feel good at all. It makes life feel so small and limited.

So how can you be yourself? Your environment plays a huge part.

How to do it:

• Supportive people. Spend more time with the people who support your dreams, values and you. Or are at least neutral. And spend less time with people who always criticize you or you simply aren’t a good fit for.
• Supportive and life-expanding influences outside of your everyday life. Change your environment not only close to you. Go further and spend more time with sources of information that supports your dreams and can give you information that expands and makes your life happier and more exciting. Find support from people you have never met via books, movies, blogs, forums and music. And spend less time with negative and limiting influences.

3. The things that make you come alive.

It is important to find some time and energy for the things that you feel makes you come alive.

How to do it:

• Mix it up. Try something new, even if it is just something small each week. Eat the vegetarian dish at lunch if you always eat meat. Listen to some music that isn’t your normal cup of tea. Go out to a movie, café or pub with friends if you usually stay in at night. Or vice versa. Create variation and expand your comfort zone regularly in small ways to live a happier life.
• Reconnect with what you used to love if it has fallen by the wayside. If you used to go fishing, paint or play the guitar and it really made you come alive then reconnect. Use an hour for it this week and see if it still brings you joy and makes you come alive.

4. Optimism.

Pessimism can really limit your life and bring it to a standstill. It can make it feel like there’s no point in trying because it won’t make a difference or you’ll just fail. It can create ceilings and walls made out of glass where there really are none.

Saying yes a more optimistic way of thinking can on the other hand open your life up.

How to do it:

• Ask yourself optimistic questions. When you’re in what seems like a negative situation then make something better out of it by asking yourself questions that promote optimism and helps you to find solutions. Questions like: What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation? And what is the opportunity within this situation?
• Start your day off on the right foot. As mentioned in tip #2, the influences in your life can make a huge difference. So choose to spend your breakfast time with an optimistic influence like for example a book, a blog or your mom. Or talk to someone early in the day that most often supports and cheers you up like a co-worker or a friend in school.

5. Turning negative self-talk around.

It is very important to keep your motivation and your self-esteem up to live a happier life.

Your inner critic may be one of biggest obstacles standing in your way of that. If you make a mistake or fail, if someone criticizes you or if you are just getting tired then that small inner voice can become louder and louder and drag and keep you down.

It can tell you that you are stupid or lazy. That you will not succeed. That you are worse or uglier than someone else.

Being able to turn the inner critic around or to shut it up as soon as it pops up is a very helpful skill.

How to do it:

• Say stop. Simply create a stop word or stop-phrase that you say or shout in your mind whenever your critic pipes up with a distorted and self-esteem hurting thought. Say: Stop! Or: No, no, no, we are not going there again!
• Explain to yourself what this will lead to over the next year or more. As I mentioned in tip #1, reminding yourself of the cost of buying into myths of perfection is a powerful way to replace those thought habits. This works very well for other self-esteem hurting thought patterns too. Remind yourself of how the inner critic has shaped your life so far. And in your mind see the cost of letting it roam free for another year or five.

6. Saying no when you feel it is the right thing for you to do.

To have the time and energy to say yes to the most important things you have to say no to some things too.

How to do it:

• What do I truly want to focus my time and energy on? When you get an offer or an opportunity arises ask yourself this question. When you look over your schedule ask yourself this question. Think about and look at what your top priorities are and what you deep want before you say anything.
• Disarm and then state your need. It becomes easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first. You could for example do that by honestly saying that you are flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer. Then you, for instance, add that you do not have the time for accepting and doing what they want. Or say that you do not feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now.

7. Forgiveness.

Not clinging to the past and to the hurt that is there but to let it go and look to the now and the future is an essential thing to find more happiness in your life.

Forgiving is not always easy and can take time but there are some things that can make it a little easier.

How to do it:

• Remind yourself that you forgive for your own benefit. As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what he or she did over and over again.
  The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free from all of that agony too.
• Make a habit of forgiving yourself. Do not just forgive others but also yourself. By forgiving yourself – instead of resenting yourself for something you did a week or 10 years ago – you make the habit of forgiveness more and more of a natural part of you. And so forgiving others becomes easier too.

8. Making someone else happy.

Making someone else happier has many benefits. The happiness spreads back to you as you see his or her face light up and as you know you did the right thing.

It spreads back to you as people have a strong tendency to want to give back when you have done something good for them. And it spreads out into the world as that now happier person may spread his or her happiness to other people.

How to do it:

• Help out practically. Lend someone a hand when they are moving. Or give them a ride in your car. Or if they need information, try to find a solution by asking the people you know or via Google.
• Just listen. Sometime a friend or someone close to you may just want to vent or for someone to listen as he or she figures things out. It may not seem like much but it can be an immense help for someone who needs it. So be there fully – don’t sit there thinking about something else – and listen.

9. Openness and growth.

Saying yes to being open to the good things in life and growing as a person plays a big role when it comes to happiness.

The other things in this article will help you with that. But here are two more tips that will make your journey a little easier and simpler.

How to do it:

• Change one thing at a time. Changing many things or your whole life at once sure sounds good. But willpower is something we often overestimate and everyday life tends to come in the way. So to make sure you have a much better chance of changing a habit or area of your life change just one thing at a time.
• Start small. Just say no to one small thing you don’t want to do this week. Or forgive one person for one thing. Or help and make someone happy in some small way. Take just one small step outside of your comfort zone.

10. To living your life fully despite setbacks.

When things have been standing still for while or you hit a bump in the road then it’s easy to back down. To shrink. To give in or give up.

But a better way to say yes to happiness in those situations is to say yes to living your life fully.

How to do it:

• Keep going. When you fail or make a mistake don’t give up. Reconnect with optimism by using the questions further up in this article. Find inspiration from books and blogs and the people around you. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead nudge yourself back on track again.
• Remember, it’s not too late to change your life. I didn’t really try to improve my life very much until I was 25. And many throughout the world and history have made positive changes far later in life than that. So if you want to make a change then start today. Work with what you have where you are right now. Start small and take the first step towards something new.

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7 Ways To Show Gratitude, Be Thankful, & Boost Your Motivation

In honor of Thanksgiving this week, I want to encourage you to voice your “attitude of gratitude”. Say thank you and give constructive feedback to your staff, friends, children, and co-workers and encourage them to be better in their lives and work.

Make it a habit to give people continual praise and encouragement. The more you praise and encourage positive constructive behaviors, the more deposits you make to the “emotional bank account.”

1) Appreciate People For Everything They Do

Always show appreciation. Every time you thank another person, you cause that person to like themselves better. You raise their self-esteem and improve their self-image. You cause them to feel more important. You make them feel that what they did was valuable and worthwhile. You empower them.

2) Build Your Own Self-Esteem By Thanking Others

And the wonderful thing about thanking other people is that, every time you say the words “thank you,” you like yourself better as well.

You feel better inside. You feel happier and more content with yourself and life. You feel more fully integrated and positive about what you are doing.

When you develop an attitude of gratitude that flows forth from you in all of your interactions with others, you will be amazed at how popular you will become and how eager others will be to help you in whatever you are doing.

3) Praise And Approve Others Continually

Another way to make people feel important and give them a sense of power and energy, is by the generous use of praise and approval. Psychological tests show that, when children are praised by the people that they look up to, their energy levels rise, their heart rates and respiratory rates increase and they feel happier about themselves overall.

4) Try “One Minute Praising”

Perhaps the most valuable lesson in Ken Blanchard’s book The One Minute Manager is his recommendation to be giving “One-Minute Praising” at every opportunity.

If you go around your home and through your social relationships praising and giving genuine and honest approval to people for their accomplishments, large and small, you will be amazed at how much more people like you and how much more willing they are to help you achieve your goals.

5) Practice The Law Of Reciprocity

There is a psychological law of reciprocity that says, “If you make me feel good about myself, I will find a way to make you feel good about yourself.”

In other words, people will always look for ways to reciprocate your kindnesses toward them. When you look for every opportunity to do and say things that make other people feel good about themselves, you will be astonished at not only how good you feel, but at the wonderful things that begin to happen all around you.

6) Pay Attention And Listen To Others

The third way to empower others, to build their self-esteem and make them feel important is simply to pay close attention to them when they talk.

The great majority of people are so busy trying to be heard that they become impatient when others are talking. But this is not for you. Remember, the most important single activity that takes place over time is listening intently to the other person when he or she is talking and expressing himself or herself.

7) Take Every Opportunity To Build People Up

Again, the three general rules for empowering the people around you, which apply to everyone you meet, are appreciation, approval, and attention.

Say thank you and voice your gratitude to others on every occasion. Praise them for every accomplishment. And pay close attention to them when they talk and want to interact with you. These three behaviors alone will make you a master of human interaction and will greatly empower the people around you.

Please leave a comment or share with your friends if you’ve enjoyed this post!

I hope that the holiday season treats you well and helps you to think about how thankful you are for what’s important in your life. As a thank you for being a loyal follower, I’d like to offer you some wonderful deals on some of my favorite products.

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Listen and Learn

"We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less." Diogenes

The benefits of good listening skills are significant. Everyone loves a good listener and one invariably learns a lot by listening, including who is worth listening to! People will open up and sometimes say the darndest things and all we have to do is be there and show that we are paying attention. It is ironic that saying and (mostly) doing nothing is such a vital component of relationship-building. Yet listening is the foundation of bonding; silently, one demonstrates empathy, telegraphs that another human being matters and creates rapport. Fortunately, the art of listening can be learned.

Working to disrupt the benefits of listening is our love of the sound of our own voice, so persistent that we sometimes don't know when to shut up. Talking is lots of fun, especially for the extroverts among us. Silence can be uncomfortable. But we all know that listening is an important communication skill. When we allow others to express themselves and tell their story, we demonstrate that we care about them and that we value the quality of the information that they are sharing.

Attention, please

When listening, give the speaker your undivided attention. Nothing else communicates the level of respect that you have for another than this one act. Let the phone go to voicemail, close the laptop lid. Sharing your valuable time with another and focusing your attention on that individual is so validating. It is also a defining element of charisma. Charismatic people are known to make whomever they are listening to feel as if only the two of them are in the room. Demonstrate your laser focus with eye contact, smiling or showing concern, nodding your head and declining to interrupt, except to ask a question or two that ensures that you understand what is being said.

Risk and trust

As noted above, when people start talking, you might be floored by what is revealed. No matter how you feel about what has been said, maintain your cool. Show that you are worthy of the trust that has been extended to you by way of the revelation. Appreciate and acknowledge the risk that was taken by the speaker when the decision was made to confide in you.

Take notes

Always take notes when in a business meeting. When you write as someone talks, you demonstrate that the subject of the conversation is important to you. The note-taking process also allows you to ask questions to ensure that you understand what has been said. Within 48 hours, send an email or a hand-written note in which you thank that individual for meeting with you and confirm the agreed-upon next steps.

Achieve understanding

Stephen Covey (1932-2012), author of the timeless self-help classic The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (1989), noted that most people listen not to understand, but to reply. Be careful not to jump to conclusions or hear only what you want or expect to hear. Perfect the art of listening and minimize miscommunication problems that can lead to costly mistakes or hurt feelings.

Listening is an art form that unfortunately, is underrated. Regardless, the most compelling leaders, the most successful sales professionals, the most powerful negotiators, the most charismatic people and those with whom we develop the most satisfying relationships are all active listeners. 

Follow the advice of Diogenes and sharpen your listening skills by employing patience and self-discipline to your business and social conversations.





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7 Small Habits That Will Steal Your Happiness

“Simply put, you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.”
Wayne Dyer

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Marcus Aurelius

It is usually pretty easy to become a happier person.

It is also quite easy to rob yourself of your own happiness. To make yourself more miserable and add a big bowl of suffering to your day. It is common thing, people do it every day all over the world.

So this week I’d like to combine these two things. I want to share 7 happiness stealing habits that I have had quite a bit of trouble with in my own daily life (and I know from the emails I get that many of you do too).

But I’d also like to add what you can do instead if you find yourself being stuck in one of these destructive habits.


1. Going for daily swim in a sea of negative voices.

This one can be quite subtle.

You just go around in your daily life like you usually do. Hang out with the same people. Listen to the same podcasts or radio shows, watch the same old TV-shows and read the usual blogs, books and magazines.

But what influence do these things have over your thinking and the limits you set for yourself and what you feel you deserve in life?

What to do instead:

Make a list of the 5 people you hang out with the most and the 5 media sources you spend most time on during your week.

Then ask yourself this for each of these 10 things/people: is this one dragging me down or lifting me up in life?

Consider spending less time with the ones that drag you down (or cut them out completely) and to spend more of your time with the people and sources that lift you up and make you feel good, motivated etc.

If you have trouble getting started with this one, then go smaller. Take a few minutes to think about what one person or source that has the biggest negative impact on you. And how you can start to spend less time with it/him/her this week.

2. Waiting for just the right time.

When you have a dream then it is so easy to get lost in planning how you will accomplish it. To drift away in daydreams about how it will be. But also to get stuck in fears about failing with it.

So you make a common choice and wait – and wait and wait for maybe years – for just the right time to take action and get started with making that dream into something real.

What to do instead:

Sure, not every dream is something you can get started with right now. But there are many that you can get going with. Dreams that only fear is holding you back from.

So make things easy on yourself. You don’t have to dive in a big and extremely courageous jump. If that was the case then only the bravest people in the world would do and achieve what they want.

Instead, take a small step forward. Take one small action. That is it. Then tomorrow you can take another small step forward. The important thing is that you get started and get going instead spending so much time on just waiting and feeling more and more frustrated and unhappy about the state of your dreams.

3. Letting criticism get under your skin time and time again.

When someone criticises or verbally attacks you then it may just roll off you like water of the back of a duck.

But if it on the other hand gets under your skin pretty much every time and drags you down into hours or days of self-doubt or self-beatings then you have a problem.

What to do instead:
Let it out. Talk it over with someone close to you to let the inner tensions out. And to find a healthier perspective on what happened together.
Remember: it is not always about you. If your self-esteem is low them it is easy to start thinking that all the negative things people tell you are your fault in some way. That is however often not the case. People will attack or harshly criticise to let their own steam out. Because they have had an awful day, week or simply do not like their lives that much. So don’t think it is all about you. There are two of you in this situation.

4. Focusing on the wrong people and getting lost in envy and powerlessness.

When you spend much time in your day thinking about what other people have and do and you compare your life to theirs then you have a good recipe for unhappiness.

Because you spend the attention and energy in the wrong place.

What to do instead:

Focus on you. Compare yourself to yourself. See how far you have come. The obstacles you have overcome. How you have improved in small or sometimes bigger ways. Appreciate that and yourself.

Focus not on what others have but on what YOU deep down want in your life.

And ask yourself: what is one small step I can take today to get the ball rolling with this goal/dream?

Keep your focus on yourself and what you can actually do to raise your self-confidence, to start walking on your own path and to spend your limited daily time and energy on something that will actually pay off.

5. Not allowing yourself times of peace and rest during your day.

When you are busy, busy, busy all the time and give yourself no time to recharge then you soon become fatigued.

And so each step and each thing you do starts to feel heavier and you do not get much enjoyment at all out of pushing and pulling yourself through it.

What to do instead:
Take a break every hour. Try setting the timer on your cell phone for 45 minutes. During that time-period just focus on doing your most important task at the moment. Then, as the bell rings, set the timer for 15 minutes and step away from your work space. Have a snack, talk a walk or stretch a bit. By cycling rest and fully focused work like this you’ll get more things done, do a better job and it will be easier to keep the optimism and motivation up.
Be 10 minutes early. Transform those travelling times during your day into relaxing breaks instead of passages of time and space that only increase your stress levels and other negative feelings.

6. Never trying anything new.

This one can be sneaky.

It can make you think that things are pretty OK. You have your safe and comfortable routine. I know, I have been there for long stretches of time.

But during those times there was also denial of feeling dissatisfied. A vague feeling of standing still that sometimes bloomed up into a big burst of undefined, negative feelings directed towards the world or myself.

What to do instead:
Remind yourself of the past times when you tried something new.And how you most often did not regret it one bit but had an exciting, interesting or fun time.
Go small. You don’t have to try skydiving. Just take one small step and try some new and different music, a movie or book you would normally not go for or the vegetarian dish if you usually have the beef or sausage for lunch.
Say yes just once this week when your mind says no. If a friend invites you to go out running, doing yoga or to go fishing or to a party and your mind goes “let’s say no, that is not what I usually do” then stop yourself for a second. And reconsider. You don’t have to say yes to every suggestion you get this week to try something new, but give it a shot and say yes to just one of those things.

7. Taking things too seriously.

When you take life too seriously then it is easy to become so afraid of making a mistake and of stumbling a bit that you get paralysed in analysis.

When you take yourself too seriously then, in my experience, it becomes difficult to fully enjoy the moment and what is happening, to let go of the past and to laugh about yourself and life when you need it the most.

What to instead:
Put up a reminder. When I wanted to develop a lighter mindset quite a few years ago one thing that helped me was a simple note on fridge that said: Lighten Up! This reminder helped me to snap out of overly serious thoughts several times a day until this way of finding a lighter perspective became more and more of an automatic thought habit.
Surround yourself with lighter mindsets. As mentioned in the section about habit #1, what and who you surround yourself with will have a big effect on how you think. No matter if it is a positive or negative aspect they add. So one powerful thing to do is to add lighter mindsets via people, books, the internet etc. to your daily life.
Raise your self-esteem. I have found that as my self-esteem has gone up I can laugh about myself more because I am less defensive. I have more trust in myself and so I fear a temporary failure less. And I like myself more and so I am less concerned about getting everyone else to like me all the time.

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How to Build Self Confidence: 6 Essential and Timeless Tips

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.”
Helen Keller

“Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Brian Tracy

“Confidence is courage at ease.”
Daniel Maher

I believe that one of the most common wishes is simply to feel more confident in various situations in life.

But how?

Confident friends may say: “Well, just be confident, man!”. However, to a person that doesn’t feel that confident this piece of advice may not be very helpful. At all.

There are however some time-tested and timeless advice. And in this article I’ll explore some of those tips. You can learn much more about becoming more sure of yourself and building your inner strength and assertiveness in my 12-week Self-Esteem Course.

Now, I hope you will find something useful in this article to help you improve and maintain your own levels of confidence.

1. Take action. Get it done.

“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labour is immense.”
Thomas A. Bennett

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”
Thomas Carlyle

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
Dale Carnegie

The most important step in building self confidence is simply to take action. Working on something and getting it done. Sitting at home and thinking about it will just make you feel worse. Simple. But not always easy to do. To make it a bit easier, here are a three of my favourite ways to make it easier to take action:
Be present. This will help you snap out of over thinking and just go and do whatever you want to get done. This is probably the best tip I have found so far for taking more action since it puts you in a state where you feel little emotional resistance to the work you’ll do. And it puts you in state where the right actions often just seem to flow out of you in a focused but relaxed way and without much effort. One of the simplest ways to connect with the present moment is just to keep your focus on your breathing for a minute or two.
Lighten up. One way to dissuade yourself from taking action is to take whatever you are about to do too seriously. That makes it feel too big, too difficult and too scary. If you on the other hand relax a bit and lighten up you often realise that those problems and negative feelings are just something you are creating in your own mind. With a lighter state of mind your tasks seems lighter and become easier to get started with. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this.
Really, really want it. Then taking action isn’t something you have to force. Taking action becomes a very natural thing. It’s something you can’t wait to do.

2. Face your fear.

“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.”
William Jennings Bryan

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

Look, I could tell you to do affirmations or other exercises for months in front of your mirror. It may have a positive effect. Just like preparing yourself it may help you to take action with more confidence.

But to be frank, if you don’t listen to the quotes above and face your fears you won’t experience any better self confidence on a deeper and more fundamental level. Having experiences where you face your fear is what really builds self confidence. There is no way around it.

However, there are ways to face your fears that do not include that much shaking of the knees. There are ways to make it easier for yourself.
Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious your perceptions go SWOOSH! and the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you to discover and experience.
Realize that fear is often based on unhelpful interpretation. As humans we like to look for patterns. The problem is just that we often find negative and not so helpful patterns in our lives based on just one or two experiences. Or by misjudging situations. Or through some silly miscommunication. When you get too identified with your thoughts you’ll believe anything they tell you. A more helpful practise may be to not take your thoughts too seriously. A lot of the time they and your memory are pretty inaccurate.


3. Understand in what order things happen.

One of my favourite snippets of movie-dialogue is this one from the 1999 film “Three Kings”.

In this scene Major Archie Gates (George Clooney) wants the small team to save a fellow soldier and steal Saddam’s gold just after the first Gulf War has ended.

The young soldier Conrad Vig (Spike Jonze) has his doubts about the plan:

Archie Gates: You’re scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you’re scared shit less of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That’s a dumb ass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That’s the way it works.

Great movie. Great little piece of dialogue. Even though it may not be what people want to hear.

The thing is, when you do things you don’t just build confidence in your ability to handle different situations. You also experience progressive desensitisation. What that means is that situations – like for example public speaking or maybe just showing your latest blog-post to an audience out there – that made you feel all shaky become more and more normal in your life. It is not longer something you psyche yourself up to do. It just becomes normal. Like tying your shoes, hanging out with your friends or taking a shower.

It may seem scary now. But after having done whatever you fear a few to a dozen times or so you may think: “Is that it?”. You almost feel disappointed of how anticlimactic it has become. You may even get a bit angry with yourself and wonder why you avoided doing it for so long.


4. Prepare.

“One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self- confidence is preparation.”
Arthur Ashe

When you know nothing of what you are about to do it’s very easy to get lost in vague, foggy fear and start building big horror scenarios in your mind of what may happen if you give it a try.

Preparing yourself and educating yourself can be a big help here. By for example rehearsing and rewriting your speech over and over you can pretty much learn it by heart. By doing research you can find breathing techniques that can quickly make your calmer and present. Or simple visualisation techniques that make you feel more confident and positive as you step out on the stage.

This is obviously more work than not doing anything about the speech at all before you start giving it. But it can make a huge difference in your confidence levels if you take the time to prepare yourself. And of course, the speech and the delivery of it will most likely be a lot better too.

So prepare and you will feel more comfortable and confident. Just don’t make the mistake of getting stuck in the preparation phase and using it as a way to avoid taking action and the possible pain that it may result in.

5. Realise that failure or being wrong will not kill you.

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”
Peter T. Mcintyre

“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn’t fall down.”
Allen H. Neuharth

Again, you have to face your fear. Because it is only then that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure won’t kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down. That’s just what people that haven’t faced their fear yet think.

The thing is to re-frame failure from being something that makes your legs shake to something useful and important for the growth of your self confidence and your overall growth as a human being. Here are four ways that failure can help you out:
You learn. Instead of seeing failure as something horrible you can start to view it more as a learning experience. When standing in the middle of a failure, you can ask yourself questions like: What’s awesome about this situation? What can I learn from this situation?
You gain experiences you could not get any other way. Â Ideally, you probably want to learn from other people’s mistakes and failures. That’s not always easy to do though. Sometimes you just have to fail on your own to learn a lesson and to gain an experience no one can relate to you in mere words.
You become stronger. Every time you fail you become more accustomed to it. You realise more and more that it’s not the end of the world. And, again, you get desensitised. You can handle things that would have been very hard to handle a few years back. Failing can also a have an exhilarating component because even though you failed you at least took a chance. You didn’t just sit on you hands doing nothing. And that took quite a bit of courage and determination.
Your chances of succeeding increases. Every time you fail you can learn and increase your inner strength. So every failure can make you more and more likely to succeed.

And remember, the world doesn’t revolve around you. You may like to think so. But it doesn’t. People really don’t care that much about what you do. They have their own life, problems and worries that the world revolves around them to focus on. They don’t think that much about you or are constantly monitoring what you do wrong or when you fail.

Maybe a disappointing thought. But a liberating and relieving one too because now you can let go of that worry that everyone is watching you.

6. Get to know who you are and what you want out of life.

“The world has the habit of making room for the man whose words and actions show that he knows where he is going.”
Napoleon Hill

“Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can’t do this or that. That’s nonsense. Make up your mind, you’ll never use crutches or a stick, then have a go at everything. Go to school, join in all the games you can. Go anywhere you want to. But never, never let them persuade you that things are too difficult or impossible.”
Douglas Bader

To build and find more confidence in yourself you have to get to know yourself better. Go exploring. Face some of your fears. Fail over and over and understand that it isn’t really that big of a deal. Grow stronger through such experiences and also become more internally relaxed. Figure out what really excites you by simply trying a whole bunch of stuff out.

When you know more about who you are and what you want out of life – not other people say you want – you will have more confidence in yourself and what you can do.

What other people say or think will have less of an impact than it used to because you know who you are better than they do. And since you have had all these experiences, since you have taken time to really get to know yourself and stretch yourself you will trust your own opinion and ability more than anything outside of you. You become stable and centred in yourself.



This will of course take time. It may be something that never really ends. So you might as well get started now.

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6 Simple Soul & Mind Nourishing Activities We Often Forget About

“Affirmations are our mental vitamins, providing the supplementary positive thoughts we need to balance the barrage of negative events and thoughts we experience daily.” – Tia Walker

Are you spending more time taking care of others or yourself?

Know that either extreme is making you lose your power to build and sustain a happy life.

If you lose yourself in caring for others, you might end up merely existing and not living. Plus, those people you care for, become dependent and get lost in life as well. If you get too much self-involved and self-centred, you end up alone.

6 Soul & Mind Nourishing Activities

Therefore, find your balance between giving and taking; between offering your time and energy to others and yourself; between caring for other and caring for yourself.

Because most people tend to lose themselves in satisfying, mainly other people’s needs and wants, here are 6 things to nourish your mind and soul:


1. Time For Yourself

If you are the carer (as a parent, a spouse, an employer, for example), which un-avertable you are no matter what you do for a living, looking after people by choice or occupation, you might be one of those people that feel guilty and selfish to take time for yourself.

Are you?

Listen, it is admirable what you are doing, and I bow to you; yet, at the same time, I want to ask you: for how long do you think you can keep it up if you don’t take care of yourself as well? If you don’t take some time for yourself too?

An overworked, tired and unhappy carer has an adverse impact on those for which is caring. Is it not? A child can’t be happy and grow harmoniously raised by an unhappy parent. An employee can’t be productive led by a stressed and overwhelmed boss.

Can they?

Therefore, occasionally be selfish and take time for yourself. Put your fear and anxieties aside and let the Earth spin around without your help and attention. Remember that, in that circumstance being selfish is an act of self-preservation and, ultimately altruism.

When you care for others, you are like a machine that needs maintenance, oiling, and rest, to work properly.

Concern yourself less about what people may say about you and stay focused on the result you want: offering valuable, meaningful, and sustainable care, service, leadership, help, and whatever else you have to give.



2. The Courage to Say NO

As a child, I’ve struggled because not my parents, nor the other adults around knew how to be assertive, how to put their foot down and then help me to move forward.

I had to, consistently, second guess my behavior, lose valuable time in finding by myself what is expected from me and what are the rules of living in the society.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that there are better ways to grow, improve and learn, other than the hard way.

Pay attention, being assertive is not just a way to let people know what you want, but is a duty as well. Overcome your fear of saying No!

Overcome your negative preconceptions (if you have) about being an assertive person and put your foot down, say “no” when you need to and say “yes” only when is the right thing to do.


3. Listen to Your Inner Voice

Life has this habit of going on with you or without you. Don’t let it slip away without having any say about it. Listen to your inner voice and allow yourself guided by your wisdom.

If you are one of these people, always on the run, always doing something important, always using your time to build something concrete, tangible, most likely you know what I’m referring to when I say;


“LIFE HAS THIS HABIT OF GOING ON WITH YOU OR WITHOUT YOU.”

You know that you’re going through motions without listening to your inner voice for days on end or even months and years.


Note that your inner voice is not the same thing with self-talk. Your inner voice is telling you what you need (mind, soul, and body), what make you sad, what is hurting you, what is helpful, how to protect yourself; It comes from your deeper self, the wisest part of you.

On the other hand, self-talk (internal dialogue) is the way you represent how you see the world and yourself and it comes from learning, experience, and beliefs.

Listen to your inner voice; it has many things to tell you if you are willing to hear it out.


4. Respect

How much thought and attention do you put into the words you’re saying to others? I guess, a lot! Do you have the same consideration towards yourself?

Self-respect starts with valuing who you are and it is manifested, the most, by the way, you talk to yourself and about yourself. And, then, it is what you do with and what you put into your perfect vehicle: your body!

And, the last one, but as important as the other two, self-respect is how you speak to and about people because what you say about others is more a reflection of who you are and less who they are. Is it not?


5. Compassion

In a society that you are encouraged more and more to strive and focus mainly on achievement, career and success, how many of us feel content and satisfied with who they are, how they look, how much they accomplish?

The standards are so high and still going up and up that almost no human can keep up. No wonder so many people have low self-esteem and confidence issues.

How about setting your own standards? How about taking, periodically, breaks to recharge and refresh? Moments to re-evaluate the validity of what is expected of you? Yet, even better! what if you add to those moments and breaks, a bit of self-compassion?

Self-compassion is food for your mind and soul. It allows you to understand that whatever you do when you’re doing it, you believe to be the best action.

Judging your former self with the knowledge you have today is unfair. Is it not? Aren’t you more knowledgeable, wiser, more skilled, more aware of things than ten years ago? You, definitely, are! You are much better even compared to yesterday.

Give yourself compassion and believe that you are doing the best you know how in each moment of your life. If that is not enough for the society and your environment, that what could be, if any?


6. Connection

Success and accomplishment is a sad place to be in if you have no one to share them with. A big mansion means nothing for your level of happiness and contentment if you spend your days alone in it.

Aren’t being happy and healthy, feeling safe and free, what you want the most in life?
Being alone in the big mansion is a self-made prison; eating by yourself is a health hazard; walking alone through the vicissitudes of life can become a safety issue quickly.


THESE ARE JUST A FEW EXAMPLES OF HOW YOUR BIGGEST DESIRES IN LIFE CAN GET LOST AND DISSIPATE BEHIND SMOKING MIRRORS WHEN YOU HAVE NO MEANINGFUL CONNECTION TO OTHER PEOPLE.

Next time when you see people that prefer to stay in unhealthy and unhappy relationships, don’t ask yourself why are they doing it because loneliness is a bigger load to bear than hardship alongside to others.

That being said, choose this better option: gather around you people that you enjoy spending time with; people that love, appreciate, value, and accept you as you are.

Stay connected, reach out, build long-lasting and meaningful relationships and feel happy, healthy, safe and free no matter if you live in a mansion or a shack.


Summary

Time for yourself
The courage to say NO
Listen to your inner voice
Respect
Compassion
Connection
What other mind nourishing activities do you partake in? Leave a comment below.

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