What Wrong With Having Problems?

"The problem is not there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." Theodore Rubin

A problem is not a problem until you call it a problem. Before that, it is an occurrence or simply something that happened. Expecting all occurrences to be void of breakdowns/problems is a formula for disappointment.

From another perspective, think of the times you felt you were in the zone. It could have been an athletic event or a business transaction. When you were in the zone, problems had little or no effect on you. You may have looked at them as a slight bump in the road and you proceeded to solve the problem with little or no effort. And then you continued on with your goal.

Later, when you were asked how did you solve the challenge so effortlessly, you may have responded that it was like an outer body experience. And it would have been hard for you to explain. When we are in the zone, problems rarely show up as insurmountable. That's the example of when life is good. So why do people have problems with problems?

Perhaps the real reason we have problems with problems is because we secretly expect them. When they show up, we say, 'I knew something would go wrong'. It's like we programmed ourselves for the disappointment.

When they happen, we are upset because life seems to be filled with one problem after another. And all we want is a smooth harmonious life with no problems. It's like we are waiting for the day that we believe we deserve - a life with no problems. But, as usual, we know the next breakdown is just around the corner.

In fact, we spend time dreaming about the day we meet the right person and find the right job that will give us eternal peace and harmony. While at the same time, our environment has trained us to never get too happy because the next problem is around the corner.

Nevertheless, we have all had the experience of being in the zone. If you focus on doing something well, you will find it much easier to get into the zone. In that space, you will find problems rarely seem to be a problem.

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The Procrastination Cure You Can't Put Off Any Longer

There are certain bad habits that get all the attention. Look around, and you'll see many warnings against smoking, overeating, binge watching TV, or drinking to excess. But there is one particularly nasty tendency millions of us share that doesn't get a fraction of the attention it deserves - the habit of procrastinating on our most important tasks.

It's easy to put off until tomorrow what we need to finish today. Unfortunately, that tends to leave you farther and farther behind on your work, and paints you as either inconsiderate of other people's time, or unable to manage your own life.

Study the people who have the most success in this world, and you'll find that they inevitably tend to be very punctual. They finish their work ahead of time, and never put off important tasks. And when it comes to being where they're supposed to be, they know that keeping to routines and schedules is important for maintaining control over their time, and will go out of their way to stick to their plans.

That's a big contrast to the way most people manage their schedules, of course, but it doesn't have to be. Here are three steps you can take today to break your procrastination habit...

Step #1: Recognize the Psychological Causes of Procrastination

Psychologically speaking, there are a lot of reasons people procrastinate. But a few stand out as being the most prominent.

First, it's easier for your subconscious mind to relax than it is to actively chase your conscious goals. Staying still or goofing off feels pleasurable and rewarding right now, whereas putting yourself through the mental effort of an uncomfortable activity doesn't provide an instant payoff. So certain parts of your brain are always going to want to pull you back to bed, onto the couch, or over to Facebook if you don't have good habits.

Another reason people tend to procrastinate so much is that they simply aren't motivated by the goals in front of them. When you aren't personally excited to achieve something, your subconscious will stop you from acting upon it. Your rational brain may know that your boss wants that report by the end of the day, but it doesn't feel urgent to you, which means it will take a lot of willpower to get moving.

And finally, people with low self-esteem tend to be the biggest procrastinators of all. They may feel afraid of success, or as if they don't deserve it. And so they self-sabotage their own efforts by putting things off until the last minute, missing deadlines, and making it impossible to do their best work.

Step #2: Face the Problem Head On

Regardless of which of these issues stops you from showing up on time or handling important tasks when you should, the best way to beat procrastination is to tackle the problem head-on with a few clear strategies.

The first is to simply make it harder to put things off. A classic example of this would be the person who puts their alarm clock in another room. In order to turn it off, they have to get out of bed, walk somewhere else, and press a button. By that time, they are far less inclined to hit the snooze button and do it all over again. That's a simple illustration, but there are probably dozens of ways you can remove distractions in your life and get things done faster.

You could also let others know that you're trying to beat the procrastination habit. Encourage them to acknowledge it when you're late, or make a pact with them that you'll set aside a few dollars every time you miss a deadline or put something off. That kind of simple punishment is enough to create a sense of accountability and get you thinking about your habits.

Step #3: Let the New Habit Take Hold

Don't expect you'll make the decision to stop procrastinating and be able to change your behavior in an instant. As with all habits, procrastination is something that is deeply ingrained at a personal and emotional level. You may have a few slip-ups, but if you are willing to acknowledge the problem and take steps to fix it, rest assured that you'll adjust over time.

Procrastination harms your productivity, your self-esteem, and your standing with others. But once you get in the habit of being proactive, showing up on time, and refusing to put things off when you could finish them right away, you'll start to feel more effective and empowered. Then the thought of not getting things done will start to feel strange to you.

You might be the kind of person who has put things off until the last minute your whole life, constantly running late from one task, meeting, or appointment to the next. Now is the perfect time to make a change. Don't put this improvement off until later - you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel, and how much more seriously others will take you once you become the kind of person who doesn't procrastinate.

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Improving The Quality Of Your Life One Step At A Time

Feel like your life is bankrupt sometimes? Knowing how to improve the quality of your life can't be left for chance or vague notions.

Knowing how others have improved the quality of their lifestyles is what you need. Here are 7 keys to guarantee the quality and substance of your life will get better:

1. You can't deny that all of your life hinges upon the quality of your health. Without good health, you can't maintain the lifestyle you desire, and good health doesn't stay by accident. Paying attention to your health is the starting place for improvement.

2. The way you handle finances has a direct bearing on the condition of every part of your life. Irresponsibility to money causes untold stress in every part of life. Personal money management is a must when it comes to improving your life.

3. The condition of your life is reflected by the friends you keep. You are the people you surround yourself with. Are your friends exemplifying the quality of life you desire? Chose friends wisely for the best life possible.

4. Gratitude is the unsung hero of all great people living dynamic and enhanced lives. Gratitude includes a thank you, but goes much deeper. Thankfulness for what you have is an attitude that when practiced brings life beyond your wildest expectations.

5. Simplicity is the opposite of confusion and drama. Make your life as simple as possible by deleting everything in it that you don't truly love. Take a look around your home, and decide what you truly need, and use. Discard everything else so that your life has room to expand and improve.

6. Give, give, give. Don't be tricked into thinking that giving what you have no use for will expand the quality of your life. To watch the quality of your life explode start looking around for someone in need of what you have already. Give your money, your possessions, and your time. When you give what you use and need it will come back many times over.

7. Last and not least is a plan to learn how to improve the quality of your life. Set aside an hour each week to do nothing more than think and read about methods for making your life better. This will make you conscious of what needs changing and how to change.

Getting the most out of anything always requires giving all you have, and life is no different. Make your life a long and rewarding adventure when you live it with a conscious intention to make it great.

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4 Steps to Help You Be Heard When You Lack Self Esteem

You whisper a suggestion, and the person besides you parrots what you've said to great applause. You want to scream out and say "that was my idea" but your throat is dry, you feel clammy and sweaty and just want the moment to end. Your heart is beating so fast you are sure it is noticeable. At least the focus is off you for now but then suddenly it's your turn to offer something, to say anything and you can't. You are frozen in fear. Business moves on and you want to say something, to say anything so your superiors know that you have something to contribute. The stress response has three options for you, fight or flight, which we are familiar with and then the third, freeze. You cannot move. It's as though you have become disconnected from your body.

You are sick and tired of seeing those less qualified promoted above you, people you've even trained! Why doesn't anyone just notice you and sing your praises? You do all the work and do it well but it goes unnoticed. You've fallen into the rut of being dependable, you never say no to extra work but when favors are being dished out, no one notices your existence.

Was it always like this you ask yourself? You used to have ambition and drive but you're stuck. Your bosses are becoming younger and younger and see you more as a relic from a time gone by, no longer interested in the detail that you pride yourself on.

You find yourself feeling unwell, you may have IBS or other stomach related anxiety. Every day is nerve wrenching as you try to find a way to be noticed for the right reasons. You are competent when left to work alone but as soon as someone in authority is around, you freeze, just like what used to happen at school.

Why?

Because your mind associates authority and your "superiors" as somehow having power over you and you become the "little girl". This is who is reacting in any situation where the focus is upon you. You want attention but you don't and your mind becomes conflicted. You feel unworthy of attention as that inner critic seeks to silence you. How many times have you told yourself, no one is interested in what I have to say, what would I know, they'll laugh at me.

Communication has very little to do with the words that are spoken. It is tone and your body language. This is why bullying claims are very hard to prove, the words of he said/she said are anemic on paper.

Whispering won't get you noticed, you have to learn to speak up in such a way that others listen. They hear you. But you have to believe in yourself before others and believe in you.

Who is someone that is always heard? Do they whisper and cower or do they take up the space they occupy without any hesitancy or apology for being around?

You can use them as a model, a way to understand the relationship between confidence and body language. Improve one, you improve the other. Let's start with these 4 steps. Stand in front of your mirror to notice like a before and after image. Look at how you are standing and your expression, not fun for you, I bet. Now step away and do the following:

4 steps to learn how to speak up:

1. Lower your voice. That's right, lower your pitch. Little girls are high-pitched and so are women and men who lack confidence. Practice it in a store buying a coffee, practice at home.
2. Play your favorite tune in your mind. This must be a song from when you felt alive and confident, an anthem from your teenage years. Singing activates both parts of the brain, the left (logic) for the words and right for the melody. It immediately relaxes the body to prevent your shoulders rolling forward to try to disappear. Singing will encourage you to open your chest.
3. Learn to say "no". Whether or not, you have the time and energy, just start saying no. Don't add an excuse. Just say no. Practice this in the mirror, in a lower timbre and loosen the body with your favorite song, and say, no. Picture the person who prevails upon you the most, the person you carry and say no. Have a giggle to yourself at the sense of power this gives you. You are not a little girl/boy but an adult.
4. Whose confidence do you admire? It can be someone you know, or an actor or a character from a story or movie. See them in your mind's eye, what is it you admire? Drift into their bodies, like trying on clothes, and see what it feels like.

Now go back to your mirror, what are the differences you can see, I bet your face is more relaxed and your body more at ease!

These are little steps that you can adapt and use immediately. It is important to clear the past and choose a therapy modal that suits you. Hypnotherapy and NLP are ideal modalities to raise self esteem as they go to the core of your inner self, your subconscious mind and to heal your inner child self who never learned to speak up because she/he thought what they had to say was not worthy of being heard.

You don't need to be defined by your past. Let these 4 steps act as a catalyst to help you be heard.


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ABCs of Stress Management

The ABCs of Stress Management Is Awareness, Balance and Control.

Stress is created when external or internal demands made on an individual are in excess of his coping strategies and capabilities. Let us illustrate how physical stress is formed. If you are asked to pick up a glass of water and place it on the table it is not stressful. If you are asked to pick up the glass of water and fill it to the brim without dropping any water outside, it is mildly stressful. If you are asked to hold that full glass of water for two hours without dropping any water, you will get totally stressed out.

Awareness

How stressed are you? Do you feel that you have absolutely no worries and stress in the world? Then you are lucky indeed to be part of the minority of the population today. For most of us stress plays an important part of our daily lives. It disrupts our energy levels, affects our performance and can be a huge drain on our resources. Becoming aware that one is experiencing stress is also difficult as people have got used to being under fire from all sides. It is not a natural state and will affect the health of a person in the longterm.

Balance

Once you are aware of the fact that you get stressed in certain situations, what do you do next? It is now time to manage stress levels better. Keep yourself primed for action without the accompanying tension. This can be accomplished by ensuring that you balance out the stress you are feeling in a certain situation in an optimum manner. You can avoid or modify certain stressors right away on your own. Other stressors may need some contribution from outside influences. The idea is to get hold of the problematic stressors and neutralize them.

Control

Here the idea is not to control the stress. Instead it is to control your own reaction to them. By directing one's own actions and thoughts it is possible to stay in a positive frame of mind. This defeats the stress and allows you a measure of self responsibility and control. A good night's rest is often one of the best ways to control stress. It is easier to deal with issues when you are well fed, well rested and healthy. So make sure that you actively look after your physical body and stress will begin to disappear.

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Self-Worth: Why Not Make Yourself A Priority?

When is the last time you did something nice for yourself? Has it been months, possibly years? In order for you to love others, you must first love yourself. A way to increase your self-worth is to make yourself a priority. This may seem foreign to some women. Many of us have been taught to put everyone else's needs before ours. We were taught certain beliefs in our childhoods that we have carried with us into adulthood. Without realizing it, these beliefs have shaped our behaviors as adults. We picked up on certain things and learned certain things based on who we grew up around and what we were exposed to. For example, if you grew up seeing your mother fix everyone's plate first and she always ate last, then you may have grown up to believe that you are always supposed to eat last. I'm not saying whether that is right or wrong, it was just an example to show how our beliefs affect us. Whatever we were taught is what we have come to believe and it shows up in our lives. If you did not grow up seeing or having examples of women loving themselves and taking care of themselves, then you probably don't do that. Try to become aware of why you don't or have not made yourself a priority. Having some understanding of whom or what may have helped create your beliefs positively impacts you.

Self-love is an absolute must. Putting yourself first is good for you and everyone around you. The better you feel, the better your energy. That good energy spreads to other areas of your life. It's never too late to make a change. What brings you joy? What makes you feel good inside? Do you have a hobby that you always enjoyed but put on the backburner? Think about the things that make you smile or that get you excited just thinking about them. It could be anything. For some women, it may be dancing. For some, it may be painting. For some, it may simply be reading a good book. Whatever it is for you, try to get back to that in some way. Take time out for yourself. Give more to yourself. When you're happy on the inside, it radiates on the outside. Putting your energy into something that you really like, love or feel good about makes you feel good. When you feel good, you are more confident. There's nothing like a confident woman who knows her self-worth.

Today's women are doing it all. We all get caught up in our busy lives but we deserve time to ourselves. We deserve time to unwind and do something to rejuvenate ourselves. Whether it's going to the spa, getting your hair done, a massage, etc., the point is to do whatever makes you feel good. Love yourself. Even just dedicating an hour of quiet time to yourself could be how you give to yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and making yourself a priority. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You deserve that.

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Don't Be Shy - Boost Your Confidence Before Giving Your Presentation

Have you ever been in a situation where you've given a speech, a presentation or a meeting update and it hasn't flowed as well as you would have liked? You're hesitant the next time you're about to present? If you're feeling uncertain about an up and coming event (such as a meeting, speech or presentation) check out these 10 pre-event confidence-boosting questions and see if answering them makes the difference:

1. Are you certain of your core message, point or outcome? If not establish what this is from the outset and allow everything else to flow from it

2. Have you prepared well enough for the event? If not what else can you do to prepare?

3. Does what you're doing make sense to you? Does it sit well with your values and principles? Just how important is it to you? How can you raise its importance in your mind?

4. What is your relationship with the people around you? Are there any issues here? How will this impact on your delivery? How can you modify your thoughts, feelings and behaviour to address the issues?

5. How can you ensure you express yourself clearly and well? (If you're certain of your core message and you're well prepared it should be much easier to state your case clearly and with conviction). Can you draw on a similar situation when things went well? What is the difference between how you felt then and how you feel now? Why is this?

6. What kind of material do you have? Is it clear and simple to understand for the visual, audio and kinaesthetic among your audience? Can you improve, simplify or clarify it?

7. Have you anticipated any tricky questions that may come up, and prepared responses to them?

8. What are you saying and thinking to yourself about the event? If you're telling yourself how badly it's going to go that's exactly what you risk manifesting

9. Have you looked at the situation from the vantage point of each person who will be at that event? What questions or issues arise when you do this? Can you deal with any of them in advance? If so how?

10. What other messages are being communicated to you from this uncertainty? What do you need to do to quell them?

Answering these questions should go some way to increasing your confidence and ensuring you are well prepared for your event.

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Overthinking Will Cause You to Think It Over

When was the last time you did something without actually spending a second to contemplate if it's the right thing to do? If you find it quite hard to make a decision even in the simplest things like deciding what to eat for breakfast, you may be a victim of what we call "overthinking".

A typical rational human being has a gift of reason which allows him to know the difference between good or bad. Sometimes, "reason" obliges us to think too much which causes us to be anxious in every decision we make. Finding hidden meaning in mere situations that does not require your investigative prowess worries your mind that you tend to become conscious in everything you do, constraining you from doing what you want. Overthinkers weigh each single option before they can make a move. They tend to ignore the bigger picture which causes them to panic under pressure even when they already know that they are good at it.

Growing up, we are filled with so much learning that we acquire so much knowledge which is good - to a certain extent.

When you are not in the mood, you have the tendency to be anxious and get depressed. This will eventually trigger your mind to outpour thoughts. Sometimes, these thoughts are not even connected to the main reason why you are having a bad mood. When you start thinking too much, your normal functions are affected.

Stop seeing what is beyond the surface if there is no need to. Before you dig deeper, you must have a clear view of what is in front of you. If you continue to give weight to those that are unnecessary, you will fail to see the truth of everything.

When you start thinking about something in an endless cycle, ask yourself: 

Will this still matter in the long run?

Asking yourself this simple question every time you overthink can snap you out immediately. You will then be able to focus your time on something that really matters. Learn to set a time-limit for every decision you make so that you can immediately act on it. Be better in making decisions by setting "deadlines" in your life in order to prevent you from procrastinating and encourage you to not take things for granted.

Most of us wish we could control everything that is happening. If this was only possible, we could've avoided making a mistake and things would've been perfect. But failures are a part of life and this is the only time where we can learn a lesson and become a better person. Everyone who is successful made mistakes before they reach their status quo.

Stop thinking over and over and over... it will just be an endless cycle and none of it matters! You can't control everything. Accept the fact there are just things that are beyond what you can handle.

There is no need to dwell on things that don't matter. Focus on what's important like making those people close to you smile. 

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HOW I CHANGED MY LIFE BY STAYING HOME

Say yes. Live dangerously. Dance like no one’s watching.

Sound familiar?
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Get out of your comfort zone. Meet strangers. Make small talk.

When are you allowed to leave? An hour? Half an hour? What’s your excuse when you do?

Finally, you’re free! You savor the relief, stepping away from the chatter.

Yet you feel guilty. Why would you want to be alone? Are you antisocial or something? That’s just weird.

You go home, put on pajamas, and open a book.

The real fun begins.

Have you ever experienced that?

I SOCIALIZED TO EXHAUSTION

I had moved to a different city and I needed to make connections. I said “yes” to everything: game nights, concerts, karaoke, friends’ houses, friends-of-friends houses, church groups, Meetups, “girls’ nights,” and blind dates.

No wonder I was drained. I was burned out. I got irritable, depressed, anxious. I wanted to run away and hide.

But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t say “no.” What if people were offended? What if they thought I was unfriendly? What if I missed out on something?

So I kept saying yes.

Until I had to say no.
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WHEN IT FINALLY BROKE

A couple from my church were having a cookout, and I volunteered to bring a side dish. I thought it was just going to be our usual “group.” Easy peasy.

Then I learned that dozens of other people were invited. People I didn’t know, but I’d have to meet and make small talk with while being crammed into a little townhouse. I felt awkward and claustrophobic just thinking about it.

Two years of frantic socializing crashed over me, and I gave up.

I texted the hostess my apologies, but I couldn’t make it.

Then came the rush of relief—then, the guilt.

HOW I CRUSHED MY GUILT

I already knew I was an introvert. I didn’t mind time alone, I didn’t like crowds, and I preferred one-on-one conversations with people I knew well. Otherwise, however, I knew little about what being an introvert meant.

That all changed.

Desperate to assuage my guilt over canceling plans, I searched social media and Google for others who might relate.

I found more than that. I found knowledge, a community, and a fresh perspective on life.

I stumbled upon anecdotes of people who felt the same way about parties and evenings alone. I skimmed scientific findings on the brains of introverts and extroverts. I gobbled up excerpts from Susan Cain’s book Quiet. I even whipped up a brief post on my own blog about my feelings that evening. It drew encouraging comments from others who connected with it.

I LEARNED WHAT INTROVERSION REALLY MEANS

It’s more than being quiet or shy or preferring solitude.

Introversion means listening and thinking more than speaking. It means needing time to sort out your thoughts, to “process” information before deciding what to say, do, or even feel. It explained why I hated phone calls and had trouble with casual chit-chat.

Digging further in introversion, I noticed groups of letters like “ISTP” and “INFJ,” with no clue what they meant. Curiosity led me to the Myers-Briggs Type Index—a new turn on my road of self-discovery.

I found my Myers-Briggs type and gained even more understanding of my thought processes, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I learned that many things that were “weird” about me were actually common in my type. I better understood many of my relationship struggles.

WHAT ELSE DID I LEARN?

I learned more than my personality type. I learned principles that almost anyone could benefit from on occasion.
Sometimes, it’s okay to give up. You don’t always have to move forward. Even the greatest armies have to retreat and regroup at times.
Guilt is a poor motivator. Sometimes “I don’t want to” is reason enough.
The easiest way can be the best way. It would have been a challenge to go to that cookout and socialize that day. Some say that’s what makes things worthwhile. But if I hadn’t gone easy on myself, I would have missed out on massive personal growth.

LIVING IN A WHOLE NEW WORLD

For one fateful evening, I backed out. I said no. I stayed home.

And my life is richer for it.

Do I still challenge myself? Leave my comfort zone? Force myself to say “yes”?

Of course. Even introverts need to get out of the house sometimes. But now I find a healthier balance.

I was acting like an extrovert with an endless supply of “social energy.” But I was kidding myself, and others around me.

When I finally gave up and explored who I really was, it blew my mind.

I learned not only what I needed as an introvert, but learned to make peace with it. I understood other people better, thus enriching my relationships.

Fading were the fears of being weird and antisocial. Weakened was the shame of not going out.

Recharging my “social batteries” meant that, when I did go out, it was with more energy. Instead of treating it like a painful obligation, I wanted to socialize. There were still awkward or unsuccessful interactions, but I stopped feeling so burned out. I gave myself permission to leave after a set period of time—and sometimes even stayed later!

Guess what? I still meet new people. I connected with other introverts on the Internet, and made deeper connections with real-life acquaintances. I looked for clues to other peoples’ personality types and learned best how to relate to them.

What began with guilt ended with zero regrets.

LIVE QUIET AND FREE

Say no. Stay in.

Take a deep breath, put on your pajamas, and enjoy the silence.

If you’re an introvert, burned out from social obligations, you are not alone.

When you can appreciate that in yourself, it sets you free.

Free to socialize when you most want to.

Free to understand yourself and others, to build ever more valuable relationships. Free to reach out when you recognize similarities in others.

Free to say no, to regroup, to collect your thoughts. Free to exert yourself next time.

Free to live as your own beautiful self.

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