Change the Way You Speak to Yourself and Increase Your Chances of Success

A lot of people I speak to really want to break away from the normal 9 to 5 and to be fair most of them take the first tentative steps towards making this life changing move, they may have thought of a great way to make money or brought a book on how to start your own business or attend a seminar by someone who has done just what they would like to do, they may have even paid for a course that takes them step by step through the process of setting up a great money making system.

I know when I decided that I wanted to break away from the rat race I did all of the above and much more, spending thousands of pounds in the process BUT like most people, I never really got beyond those first few steps, in fact it was over TEN YEARS before I actually did grab the bull by the horns and put something into action. The amazing thing was after all that time it was one of the first ways to make money I learned of that I acted on and I have never looked back since.

So why do we do this? Why don't we take action if we want something as bad as we say we do? Why do we sit and procrastinate instead of doing something about it?

Well we usually come up with a number of excuses:

I'm not intelligent enough.

I didn't have a good education/get good grades/go to college. etc.

I haven't got the time.

I can't afford to do it.

I am too old/young.

I've never done anything like this before.

Or we put things off...

I will start Friday/next weekend/next month/when I have that week off work. etc.

I also know from experience one of the main reasons is fear!

Fear of failure!

Fear of change!

Fear of the unknown!

Fear of what other people will think of us!

The list goes on but generally comes back to that one irrational emotion;

False Evidence Appearing Real

The good news is we CAN do something about it, The bad news is its going to take a little bit of effort to address the problem. But don't worry its nothing complicated and its something that everyone can do.

What we have to do is change our mindset and to do this the first thing we need to do is change the way we speak to ourselves and this is what I'm going to be concentrating on today.

From very early on in life we talk to ourselves and what we say and how we say it has a big influence on how we react to the situations we find ourselves in as an adult. Over time we ( or the people around us/society in general ) brainwash ourselves with all kinds of limiting thoughts and notions of what we should do and what should make us happy.

So after a while all this self talk and outside influence helps to program our subconscious mind into accepting that we should be happy with what we do and what we have. After all you have a job/food on the table/ a roof over your head/ a car etc. so you should be satisfied with your lot right?

But is this really YOUR definition of happiness? Are you really satisfied with your lot?

I'm guessing that as you are reading this the answer is a resounding NO!

Well then it's time to admit to yourself that you are unhappy with where you are at this moment and that you are no longer going to accept life as it is. It's time to make your life what it can be and more to the point what it should be.

According to psychologists how we view life and more importantly how we view ourselves is largely set in stone by the time we are six years old. Just think about that for a while, everything we do in life, every decision we make, how we talk to ourselves and what we expect to achieve for ourselves is largely influenced by what kind of life we lived and what kind of experiences we had in those first few years!

Kind of scary eh?

So what does this mean?

In short it means that most of us talk to ourselves in a negative and unhelpful manner and this in turn restricts what we do or achieve with our lives.

Throughout the day we are talking to ourselves constantly either out loud or in our heads. Some of this self-talk is good - your dreams, your wants, your desires, your family, your friends, the little things that make you smile to yourself.

BUT some of it is negative and this stems from those experiences we were talking of earlier, those limiting influences that have got you nowhere. This kind of self-talk is what holds you back, it restricts you, brings you down and stops you from doing the things in life that you dream about.

This kind of self-talk is destructive and needs to be avoided at ALL costs. You must be aware of everything you are saying to yourself, whether it be out loud or in your head and when you find you are speaking to yourself in a negative way STOP!

Listen out for the positive things you say and concentrate on these instead, this is the kind of self-talk you have to nurture and as you do the negative self-talk will die back.

Once you allow the positive self-talk to flourish you will find great things start to happen with you as a person, to the way other people see and treat you and with your life in general.

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What Are You Searching For?

I have not yet met anyone in my world travels who didn't want a little more inner peace. And, I have never encountered anyone who would trade a little money to rid themselves of their stress and worries.

So, is this what each of us is secretly or overtly searching for? Well, to be truthful I'm not sure. People who say they want less stress continue to pursue wealth, fame, power, position and more stuff. People who say they want to be happy often seem to sabotage this goal with poor choices, bad judgment and emotional immaturity. And people who say they want more inner peace still harbor old emotional baggage, replay old slights and hurts and let other people control their behaviors, attitudes, emotions and even their thoughts.

If we are truly searching for any or all the items listed above one would have to wonder whether we are just giving lip service to these goals, desires and dreams or if we really want them but just don't seem to know where to find them, how to achieve them or how to keep them.

I too have been guilty. I am just like you in that I would like a little more happiness and a little less stress yet when it comes to doing what is necessary I often fall short.

Sure, I have read all the books, hundreds and hundreds of them, attended the seminars, had personal coaches, spent hours and even weeks setting and planning my personal goals and dreams and spent more hours than I can remember praying and meditating and yet, here I sit from time to time, still questioning whether all this reading, study and searching is worthwhile.

During my years of study, research and searching I have come to a few conclusions.

1) Many of the people who supposedly have it figured out, don't. 

2) Many of the people who preach and teach this stuff to others and get paid handsomely to do so, don't have a clue. 

3) Some of the people who you would least expect to have the answers often do. 

4) Even many of the religious fanatics, diehards or steadfast believers in God still struggle with the same issues, questions and challenges as those who have never set foot in a church or Synagogue or read the Bible.

Why is this? Are we doomed as a species to just search and never find or discover the true meaning of our life or as the title says, why we are we here?

Humans have been asking for centuries; why am I here, where am I going and what am I supposed to do with my life while I am here?

One could get easily discouraged and feeling a little sorry for themselves spending years contemplating simple questions like these.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these searching questions whether in times of doubt or discouragement or happiness and contentment? Success or failure? 

Do you have any answers yet, or are you like most of us, that you just keep on trudging ahead through life one day at a time just earning, spending, working and playing?

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Do You Have The Right Mindset?

I think we can all probably agree that your actions lead to your results. If you want different results, you need to change your actions. If actions lead to your results, what leads to your actions?

Your Big Why

Your big why is, or will be, the most important reason for your success. If you plan to have success, the question that you need to answer for yourself is why do you need the success? What is the reason you get up and get at it each day? What motivates you to accomplish your goals? You need to be very clear on this and focus on it.

My big why has changed a little over the years, but the one that got me going was to help my dad. I lost my mom to cancer when I was really young and my dad raised me and my brother and sister by himself. I have zero complaints about my childhood because he was such a great parent. I owe a lot to him. Being a single parent and one income family, it was difficult for him to even think about his retirement. He was unable to successfully plan for his retirement and is still working today. I want to help him enjoy the latter years of his life and help him, if he would ever allow it, with his retirement.

Fear

I am reading the series Harry Potter right now and I think that is where I heard this quote. "Courage isn't not having fear but is acting in spite of fear." Everyone has fear of the unknown, and taking chances certainly has some unknown results. Fear is the number one career killer, and what separates successful people from average people is acting ANYWAY. This comes back to your big why. Is your big why strong enough to force you to act in spite of your fears? If not, get a new big why, so that fear does not murder your potential.

The Law of Attraction

I am a big, big believer in this. It started with the movie The Secret and has exploded from there. I have studied this and truly believe in its power. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you should start by reading or watching The Secret.

The idea here is that if you can make your mind truly believe something, it will happen. Good ways to use this resource is by affirmations. There are entire books written about how to use affirmations, but you want to put a goal in your mind, like it is already yours, by repeating it to yourself over and over and over... Vision boards are another great way to use the law of attraction. I have vision boards in my house that I look at frequently. These boards are loaded with things that I want. Your goals need to be realistic to you or you will not have much luck convincing yourself that it is yours; so start small and work your way up.

Investment or Expense?

Many people think subconsciously that money they invest in their business (like marketing) or money they spend on themselves (like education) is an expense. What I want you to believe is that these are actually investments. The reason for the distinction is that, investments pay you back with interest and expenses are gone forever. So many small companies end up failing because when things get tight, they cut their marketing budget. If things get tight, they might want to increase their marketing or become more efficient, because that is what brings in the business. Never cut the marking budget, unless you need to slow growth. Cutting that budget can be fatal. As far as investing in yourself, I believe you should continue to educate yourself constantly, but especially when you are not consistently reaching your goals. You should probably consider investing at least 10% of your personal income back into your own education until you are consistently reaching your desired results. With that being said, I am very proud to say that my company offers lots of solid educational opportunities free of charge. Now there really are no excuses.

Fake it Until You Make it

When you are trying to start something new or expand on what you are doing, there is a time in the beginning where you really don't know what you are doing. It is during this time that you are vulnerable, which of course brings fear and can potentially stop your actions. If you fake it and pretend you know exactly what you are doing, you will quickly learn what to do and how to act. That, and your confidence, will attract the people that you need to help you accomplish what you are seeking. I am not saying to lie to anyone, but you can easily lean on others experiences and act with confidence to get the job done. By not faking it, you will have a lot of hesitance and will attract more objections and more things that will hold you back.

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5 Techniques To Build More Confidence

5 Techniques to be More Confident

Being confident in life not only enhances your personality, but makes sure you don't lose opportunities because of hesitation. Enough confidence in you can be the difference between success and failure. When you are striking a new business deal, giving an interview or asking someone on a date, you need to be confident.

The key to being more confident is how other people perceive you on the basis of your own self-perception. Basically, this means if you consider yourself to be capable and energetic, it will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Thus, other people will also see you the same.

Although there are many factors beyond control, there are still certain things you can turn in your favor to make yourself more confident. In this post, we have talked about some simple tips, which can help you become more confident in life.

Visualization & Positive Affirmations

Contrary to the common notion, the concept of positive affirmations is neither complex nor complicated. Positive affirmations are simple sentences, which you can use to explain how you want to feel in life, what situations and circumstances you consider perfect, and other such expectations. You need to say positive affirmations out loud in a way that affirms what you're saying is true.

According to psychologists, positive affirmations help you build more confidence in life. With positive affirmations, you can change the way you feel about your personality, nature and characteristics. In addition to this, positive affirmations can change your basic perception about various circumstances surrounding yourself. It's worth mentioning that positive affirmations can lead you on a path toward success and achieving your goals. You can use positive affirmations like:

I'm Feeling Confident.

I Can Become More Confident.

I Will Live With More Determination.

I Will Be More Confident

When you start using positive affirmations on a regular basis, it isn't long before you start believing in them. They can boost your confidence, and help you become an outgoing person. You can also use visualizations to become more confident. As the name suggests, this practice requires you to visualize what you want to accomplish in life. In this case, you should visualize yourself confidently speaking in public or making a presentation in office.

Active Participation

At times, you may hide behind someone during an open discussion. It is important to actively participate in every discussion and event. In time, you will be able to overcome your hesitation. Your issues related to fear of public speaking or participation will not get resolved until you make efforts. Public speaking and active participation always contribute to gaining confidence.

Leave Your Comfort Zone

Almost every person prefers to live in his comfort zone. However, when you step outside the comfort zone, you're able to gain more exposure. When you stay within it, you start shrinking. You need to avoid getting trapped into the confines of your comfort zone, and constantly push yourself to do different things. This helps you become more confident.

Meditation

Meditation not only keeps you calm, but also helps you with composure. When you're calm and relaxed, you start making good decisions. This has a major impact on your confidence. Meditation also allows you to gain some insight about your personality, and mould yourself accordingly to overcome anxiety and shyness.

Practice Confidence

Just like everything else in your life, even confidence improves with regular practice. When you meet new people, it's a great opportunity to build confidence. When you shake someone's hand for the first time, you should introduce yourself, watch the other person's tone and learn more about his or her personality. Since a new person doesn't know anything about you, it's an opportunity to show the person your confident personality.

In addition to this, you should watch your tone and posture. Mumbling and hunching can make you look and feel less confident. Thus, you should speak clearly, slowly and stand straight. When people see your confidence, it gives you more reason to keep working on building confidence.

These were some effective tips to become more confident in life. Besides this, you also need to exercise regularly. It will help you get in good shape, keep your mind sharp and give you more energy. Confidence is the key to success in life. Thus, you need to make efforts to become more confident and focused.

With these simple techniques, you will be on your way to developing more self-confidence.

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The Power of Habit

Aristotle once said, "we are what we repeatedly do" and this shows the power of habit. If we are repeatedly doing things that lead to greater success, then we will be successful but if we are repeatedly doing things that hinder our success then we will not get what we want in life.

Create a Habits List

Before creating a to do list think about creating a 'habits list', this is a list of the habits you want to create and a tracker to help you track those habits. Let's say for example that it is your goal to lose weight. In order to lose weight you need to exercise regularly and so onto your habit tracker you would put exercise and then each day that you exercise you would tick off that item on your habit tracker and know that you have taken a step closer to your goal. If you just had to exercise once though it wouldn't be much help so you need to make a habit of exercising at least three times a week.

How Long Does It Take to Form a Habit?

Some people say 21 days, others say you should aim for three times that amount. Personally, I think it is better to aim for three times that amount because if you give yourself a break too early then you may find that the habit is easily broken and it is too easy to fall back into bad habits. By challenging yourself to practice this habit for longer you are ensuring that it becomes a part of your life and you are less likely to give it up as it becomes part of you.

Breaking Bad Habits

In addition to creating good habits, if you want to really achieve success then you also need to break bad habits that are hindering you from becoming all you can be. Let's go back to the weight loss example and say you have a habit of getting take-aways for dinner every night. If you want to lose weight then exercising in itself is not going to be enough, you need to learn to develop healthier eating habits and that means breaking the bad habit of getting take-aways all the time. Learn how to do meal preparation and plan healthy foods that will promote weight loss.

"We are what we repeatedly do" and so we need to create habits that are going to help us achieve success. It is not enough to simply do something once and hope it will bring you success, you need to do it repeatedly. Create habits that will help you become the person you want to be.

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The Power of Habit: 4 Steps to Creating Good Habits

People tend to think that habits are unbreakable. They feel it’s exceedingly difficult to change habits for the better. After all, that’s why so many people struggle to lose weight, quit smoking, or beat procrastination.

But, what if I told you that was wrong?

Habits can be changed. Not only that but changing a habit is easier than you think. What it does involve is thinking about them differently.

He uses a combination of research backed science and his experiences of habit change to take the reader through how to make changes in their lives.

In this post, you’re going to learn the four steps Duhigg has found that helps to get rid of good habits and create new ones.

How Habits Are Formed

We develop habits over time by creating a loop that we repeat over and over again. It’s that loop that cements habits in our minds.

There’s a three-step process that goes into every habit you form:
Cue
Routine
Reward

In basic terms, here’s how it works:

A habit is formed when a cue signals a routine that provides the brain with a reward.
When that feedback loop is created, your brain shuts off when it comes to making decisions about that loop.

This is why it’s so common for a smoker to automatically have a cigarette after their morning coffee. They’ve done that action so many times it’s cemented itself as a loop in their brain. More often than not, they light up without even thinking.

It’s also why these seemingly routine tasks are so difficult to break. When smokers are trying to quit will talk about how the hardest time to avoid smoking is during that morning coffee. It’s because when that cigarette is removed the loop is broken, and the reward is gone.

Understanding that loop is the key to success with any habit is replacing a “bad”habit with a “good” one. You do that by replacing the reward portion of the loop.


(We’ll cover each of these steps a little bit more in depth later on, so keep reading!)

The secret to success is finding a “good” reward that replaces the craving.

In this case, maybe the coffee is the reward, not the cigarette. So it could be possible that by keeping the coffee and removing the cigarette the reward is still there, thus making it a lot easier to stop smoking with that morning coffee.


Creating “Good” Habits

One way you can look at this is through creating Keystone Habits. These are like good habit dominos when you have one good keystone habit; others begin to fall in line.

Losing weight is a common place where creating a keystone habit can make a massive difference with success. We all know it can be difficult to lose weight, many people struggle with it.

What Duhigg found, however, was that researchers began to see one keystone habit that helped people to lose weight over and over again. It wasn’t exercise or drinking more water; it was keeping a food journal.

Seems simple, right? But in reality, this practice is a fantastic example of a keystone in action.

The food journal let dieters keep track of exactly what they ate. Because of this, they were able to identify foods that were bad, see if they fell into common traps, and make small dietary changes.

All of these ‘small wins’ can dramatically add up to significant weight loss over time and reinforce a positive habit loop.

Alright, so now you’re probably wondering how you can start accomplishing some of those New Year’s Resolutions and finally create good habits that stick.


How to Change a Habit (in Four Easy Steps)

Through all of his research and personal experiences in the book, Duhigg found there is a four step framework to replace a “bad” habit with a “good one.”

We’re going to look at each of the steps in the framework below.

Step 1: Identify The Routine

We know every habit has three main parts: the cue, routine, and reward. Here, the first step is to think about the habit you want to change.

Once you’ve identified a specific habit, the next thing you need to do is walk through the routine associated with that habit. So you want to think about the “the reward driving your behavior, the cue triggering it, and the routine itself.”

If you’re a smoker, think about what you do every time you light up. If you have a killer sweet tooth, try to note what is happening when you go for that cookie after dinner. And, If you consistently give up when trying, new things look at the routine around how you’re setting yourself up for success.

Duhigg found he was gaining weight because every day he went to the cafeteria at the New York Times (where he’s a writer), would buy a cookie, and eat it while chatting with friends.

This habit was the routine. It’s going to be the action you take around something.
Remember, when habit loops form, the brain just goes through the motions. What you need to do is start training your brain to think again. To change that routine, you need to get your brain kickstarted again and involved in the feedback loop.


Step 2: Experiment With Rewards

When it comes to bad habits, the reason why you stick with them is that of the reward. If your body and brain get something out of a habit, then the brain is going to keep doing it.

More often than not, it’s this reward that is the entire reason why you’re stuck in a bad habit loop. The reward is what is the response to the craving; the reward satisfies it.

What you need to do is see if you can find a new reward that will still give your craving the same satisfaction but removes the negative action.

Here’s where you are going to have to do a little bit of scientific (well not so scientific) testing. Try experimenting with different rewards.

So, the next time you’re craving a smoke with your morning coffee, try a few other routines and see if anything works. Here are a few ideas:
Have a glass of water
Chat with a friend or coworker
Do squats for 30 seconds
Look at a picture of your pet


Do that for a few days or a few weeks until you can start seeing some patterns. And right after you try each new routine, Duhigg advises you do two important things.
Write down the first three words that come to your mind
Wait 15 minutes to see if you are still feeling the craving

This makes it easier to track to see what’s working and what isn’t. If your new routine is making you miserable, note that. If you feel great 15 minutes after looking at a picture of your puppy, then you’ve begun the process of creating a replacement loop.


Step 3: Isolate The Cue
Every habit has a trigger and finding this is the key to changing your habits. Unfortunately, this is typically the hardest part.

The reason?

According to Duhigg, researchers have found that our brains are just constantly bombarded with too much information, too many inputs to quickly determine what the primary cue is.

Fortunately, there are ways to find the signal in all that noise. Duhigg talks about five major cues that almost every habit falls into:
Location
Time
Emotional State
Other People
Immediately preceding action

Here’s an example straight from the book that will help you understand. Duhigg found he had gotten into the bad habit of eating cookies every afternoon. He’d go to the cafe, buy a cookie (or two) and chat with coworkers.

He wanted to stop this habit and save his waistline, but it was hard to determine exactly what the cue was.

From the book:

So, if you’re trying to figure out the cue for the ‘going to the cafeteria and buying a chocolate chip cookie’ habit, you write down five things the moment the urge hits (these are my actual notes from when I was trying to diagnose my habit):
Where are you? (sitting at my desk)
What time is it? (3:36 pm)
What’s your emotional state? (bored)
Who else is around? (no one)
What action preceded the urge? (answered an email)

He wrote down what happened when he felt the urge for the cookie for a week and found one interesting tidbit.

Every time he wanted a cookie it was around 3:30 pm. This hour long period was the cue. To change this habit, he had to do something else to get a new reward.
This is where having a plan comes in.


Step 4: Have a Plan

Once Duhigg was able to identify the cue, he needed to come up with a plan to change it. Having a plan is the critical point here. After you’ve done the hard work of realizing what the cue is in the habit you want to change, you need to attack it with a specific plan.

Remember, because your habit is set in motion, it means your brain does it automatically. The point of the plan is to help re-wire this habit.

So, back to the example above.


After tracking his behavior and asking the questions he saw that the real ‘reward’ he got from going to the cafe wasn’t the cookie, it was able to chat with co-workers for a few minutes. He wanted to socialize.

Here is the plan he came up with:


“AT 3:30, EVERY DAY, I WILL WALK TO A FRIEND’S DESK AND TALK FOR 10 MINUTES.”

It didn’t go perfectly at first. The brain is tricky that way. Realize that forming a new habit loop is hard and prepare for the fact that you will fall off the wagon. That’s where the plan can help.

After a few weeks, Duhigg didn’t need an alarm or note to get himself up and chatting with a friend at 3:30 pm, he did it automatically. He was able to dramatically reduce his cookie buying, lost weight, made new friends, and felt much better.

His brain had re-wired a new habit.


Final Thoughts

As you go through the process of trying to change your habits, remember what Duhigg calls The Golden Rule of Habit Change:


“YOU CAN’T EXTINGUISH A BAD HABIT, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE IT.”

Anything you want to change, you can. Just put the above steps into practice. It won’t always be easy, but once you start locking down those small wins, then the sky is the limit.

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