What To Do What Your Anger Is Out Of Control

How frequent is it when you notice that your anger and emotions are getting out of control that's driving you all sorts of inappropriate, reckless, crazy behaviors?

To the majority of us, it's undeniable that life is tough, challenging and stressful these days. However, it is still important to learn how to control your temper.

One critical thing to remember is that you are always 100% in control of your emotions.

While you should never find yourself in a situation that you can't control, you always have choices as to how to react to any kinds of situations.

By allowing yourself to even think that your temper is controlled by other people or circumstances, you are just making an excuse for yourself!

To a certain extent, anger is actually a powerful emotional response.

It reminds you what you don't like about your life and what matters to you. It allows you freely express your frustrated feelings, but it should never overpower your self-control.

If you find that you are turning into a violent beast when angry hits you, you have an imminent dangerous problem to fix. If you really find it difficult to handle, you might as well consult some anger management experts for advice.

Remember this powerful paradigm shift: It is not how you are feeling that is wrong. It is what you do with your feelings that become the issue.

If you allow yourself to throw a tantrum and fling your arms around, ranting wildly like a lion king, this is obviously not a good sign. You are liable to hurt other people's feelings as well as possibly causing them physical harm.

When you let your temper get the better out of you, you may face serious consequences like:

Detrimental to your unstable mental health

Severely damaging your physical health, some may even trigger heart attacks or latent diseases

Ruining your professional career because you're confronting your boss, colleagues or even clients in a mindless way

Destroying relationships with friends, family, lovers and co-workers

Failing to create the kind of impact you want in the world because no one wants to help you with your vision and mission

Luckily, there are solutions to this problem.

Your first step is to seek out help and learn to manage your temper in a more effective way. This can include group therapy or it can consist of you learning how to manage your anger by yourself.

Learning to control your temper will take time, energy, effort and patience. One of the first things you should do is to try to determine what the root cause of your anger is.

Did you grow up in an angry household where you witnessed a lot of fights and dramas? 

Have you experienced a traumatic event in the past about people?

Sometimes the root cause of anger can be hidden deep inside. It is only with a lot of self-reflection, soul-searching and meditating that the answers will be revealed.

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed and start making a list of all the things that make you angry. Then put them in order of importance - which one lights your fuse first. Once you know what your root cause is, you will be able to devise a better strategy to deal with it and slowly change your behavior.

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Patience, Understanding And Tolerance

Nothing is free and it all comes from somewhere and something. Everything worthwhile takes patience, understanding and tolerance to build. Without those qualities, you or anyone are like the playful grasshopper that cannot build an ant hill, and you just jump around impatiently. Without understanding, combined with that impatience, you end up freezing in the cold with total "I want to have fun in the present" intolerance just like the grasshopper in the old fable about the ant and the grasshopper.

I am not saying be overly cautious and save your whole life for the afterlife, but I am saying that you should make prudent choices that include patience, understanding and tolerance with them and in them. In short: Be rationally flexible and all else will be added to your life ultimately.

Let me go into what I mean by that word "ultimately": I mean the sum total of all your rational actions in existence and consciousness that are for total and completely beneficial to you, not those actions that feed you today and fill your immediate needs now and only now.

Now, that I have told you what I meant by "ultimately", you can breathe a sigh of relief that I am not telling you to save your whole life and future better existence for a "rainy day" and I am not telling you to take a "rain check" on what is currently going on, however undesirable or not ideal it seems.

So, do not lend me your minds, use your mind to make a better now and later out of the past, meaning learn from the past but do not live in it. Take from this article what is valuable and use it in your own life well. I am not an authority, I am not perfect or even great. I simply observe and write down "what is up" with it all realistically. That is it.

Listen, like anyone, I want to be wonderful, great, perfect and all of that at times when I miss the mark, like anyone. But, those times I miss the mark are valuable because I learn to be better and actually end up better. That is tolerance. As for patience and understanding, that is why I put them before the tolerance in the title, because you must have those first to get to tolerance. Indeed, life is as good as we make it through those three things. For, faking it until we make it never works, and it is real cheating anyway. Being real all the way through is where it is at and is "the real easy way" anyway. When you cheat, even if you succeed, what you skipped comes back to haunt you anyway. So, why not be real through genuine patience, understanding and tolerance anyway. The best way is the real way.

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How to Build Self Confidence: 6 Essential and Timeless Tips

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.”
Helen Keller

“Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Brian Tracy

“Confidence is courage at ease.”
Daniel Maher

I believe that one of the most common wishes is simply to feel more confident in various situations in life.

But how?

Confident friends may say: “Well, just be confident, man!”. However, to a person that doesn’t feel that confident this piece of advice may not be very helpful. At all.

There are however some time-tested and timeless advice. And in this article I’ll explore some of those tips. You can learn much more about becoming more sure of yourself and building your inner strength and assertiveness in my 12-week Self-Esteem Course.

Now, I hope you will find something useful in this article to help you improve and maintain your own levels of confidence.

1. Take action. Get it done.

“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labour is immense.”
Thomas A. Bennett

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”
Thomas Carlyle

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
Dale Carnegie

The most important step in building self confidence is simply to take action. Working on something and getting it done. Sitting at home and thinking about it will just make you feel worse. Simple. But not always easy to do. To make it a bit easier, here are a three of my favourite ways to make it easier to take action:
Be present. This will help you snap out of over thinking and just go and do whatever you want to get done. This is probably the best tip I have found so far for taking more action since it puts you in a state where you feel little emotional resistance to the work you’ll do. And it puts you in state where the right actions often just seem to flow out of you in a focused but relaxed way and without much effort. One of the simplest ways to connect with the present moment is just to keep your focus on your breathing for a minute or two.
Lighten up. One way to dissuade yourself from taking action is to take whatever you are about to do too seriously. That makes it feel too big, too difficult and too scary. If you on the other hand relax a bit and lighten up you often realise that those problems and negative feelings are just something you are creating in your own mind. With a lighter state of mind your tasks seems lighter and become easier to get started with. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this.
Really, really want it. Then taking action isn’t something you have to force. Taking action becomes a very natural thing. It’s something you can’t wait to do.

2. Face your fear.

“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.”
William Jennings Bryan

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

Look, I could tell you to do affirmations or other exercises for months in front of your mirror. It may have a positive effect. Just like preparing yourself it may help you to take action with more confidence.

But to be frank, if you don’t listen to the quotes above and face your fears you won’t experience any better self confidence on a deeper and more fundamental level. Having experiences where you face your fear is what really builds self confidence. There is no way around it.

However, there are ways to face your fears that do not include that much shaking of the knees. There are ways to make it easier for yourself.
Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious your perceptions go SWOOSH! and the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you to discover and experience.
Realize that fear is often based on unhelpful interpretation. As humans we like to look for patterns. The problem is just that we often find negative and not so helpful patterns in our lives based on just one or two experiences. Or by misjudging situations. Or through some silly miscommunication. When you get too identified with your thoughts you’ll believe anything they tell you. A more helpful practise may be to not take your thoughts too seriously. A lot of the time they and your memory are pretty inaccurate.


3. Understand in what order things happen.

One of my favourite snippets of movie-dialogue is this one from the 1999 film “Three Kings”.

In this scene Major Archie Gates (George Clooney) wants the small team to save a fellow soldier and steal Saddam’s gold just after the first Gulf War has ended.

The young soldier Conrad Vig (Spike Jonze) has his doubts about the plan:

Archie Gates: You’re scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you’re scared shit less of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That’s a dumb ass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That’s the way it works.

Great movie. Great little piece of dialogue. Even though it may not be what people want to hear.

The thing is, when you do things you don’t just build confidence in your ability to handle different situations. You also experience progressive desensitisation. What that means is that situations – like for example public speaking or maybe just showing your latest blog-post to an audience out there – that made you feel all shaky become more and more normal in your life. It is not longer something you psyche yourself up to do. It just becomes normal. Like tying your shoes, hanging out with your friends or taking a shower.

It may seem scary now. But after having done whatever you fear a few to a dozen times or so you may think: “Is that it?”. You almost feel disappointed of how anticlimactic it has become. You may even get a bit angry with yourself and wonder why you avoided doing it for so long.


4. Prepare.

“One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self- confidence is preparation.”
Arthur Ashe

When you know nothing of what you are about to do it’s very easy to get lost in vague, foggy fear and start building big horror scenarios in your mind of what may happen if you give it a try.

Preparing yourself and educating yourself can be a big help here. By for example rehearsing and rewriting your speech over and over you can pretty much learn it by heart. By doing research you can find breathing techniques that can quickly make your calmer and present. Or simple visualisation techniques that make you feel more confident and positive as you step out on the stage.

This is obviously more work than not doing anything about the speech at all before you start giving it. But it can make a huge difference in your confidence levels if you take the time to prepare yourself. And of course, the speech and the delivery of it will most likely be a lot better too.

So prepare and you will feel more comfortable and confident. Just don’t make the mistake of getting stuck in the preparation phase and using it as a way to avoid taking action and the possible pain that it may result in.

5. Realise that failure or being wrong will not kill you.

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”
Peter T. Mcintyre

“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn’t fall down.”
Allen H. Neuharth

Again, you have to face your fear. Because it is only then that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure won’t kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down. That’s just what people that haven’t faced their fear yet think.

The thing is to re-frame failure from being something that makes your legs shake to something useful and important for the growth of your self confidence and your overall growth as a human being. Here are four ways that failure can help you out:
You learn. Instead of seeing failure as something horrible you can start to view it more as a learning experience. When standing in the middle of a failure, you can ask yourself questions like: What’s awesome about this situation? What can I learn from this situation?
You gain experiences you could not get any other way. Â Ideally, you probably want to learn from other people’s mistakes and failures. That’s not always easy to do though. Sometimes you just have to fail on your own to learn a lesson and to gain an experience no one can relate to you in mere words.
You become stronger. Every time you fail you become more accustomed to it. You realise more and more that it’s not the end of the world. And, again, you get desensitised. You can handle things that would have been very hard to handle a few years back. Failing can also a have an exhilarating component because even though you failed you at least took a chance. You didn’t just sit on you hands doing nothing. And that took quite a bit of courage and determination.
Your chances of succeeding increases. Every time you fail you can learn and increase your inner strength. So every failure can make you more and more likely to succeed.

And remember, the world doesn’t revolve around you. You may like to think so. But it doesn’t. People really don’t care that much about what you do. They have their own life, problems and worries that the world revolves around them to focus on. They don’t think that much about you or are constantly monitoring what you do wrong or when you fail.

Maybe a disappointing thought. But a liberating and relieving one too because now you can let go of that worry that everyone is watching you.

6. Get to know who you are and what you want out of life.

“The world has the habit of making room for the man whose words and actions show that he knows where he is going.”
Napoleon Hill

“Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can’t do this or that. That’s nonsense. Make up your mind, you’ll never use crutches or a stick, then have a go at everything. Go to school, join in all the games you can. Go anywhere you want to. But never, never let them persuade you that things are too difficult or impossible.”
Douglas Bader

To build and find more confidence in yourself you have to get to know yourself better. Go exploring. Face some of your fears. Fail over and over and understand that it isn’t really that big of a deal. Grow stronger through such experiences and also become more internally relaxed. Figure out what really excites you by simply trying a whole bunch of stuff out.

When you know more about who you are and what you want out of life – not other people say you want – you will have more confidence in yourself and what you can do.

What other people say or think will have less of an impact than it used to because you know who you are better than they do. And since you have had all these experiences, since you have taken time to really get to know yourself and stretch yourself you will trust your own opinion and ability more than anything outside of you. You become stable and centred in yourself.



This will of course take time. It may be something that never really ends. So you might as well get started now.

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4 Steps That Will Turn Your Problems into a Guide For Success

It’s way too easy to get caught up in your problems. It starts out with something small, a tiny hint that you’re not entirely happy with how things have turned out. It’s a loose thread on the shoulder of your sweater. The more you pick at it, the longer it seems to become. One problem leads to another, the issues start to pile up, until it feels like you’re in over your head. Before you know it, you’ve picked at that little thread so much your whole sweater has fallen to pieces and you’re standing in the middle of a pile of yarn.

When you’re in a bad place, or you feel you’ve been dealt a bad hand, it’s only natural to start looking for reasons. And when we find out what the problem is, our natural instinct is to start digging deeper and deeper into that problem, only focusing on the negatives, until we convince ourselves that the whole situation is hopeless and entirely out of our control.


But that doesn’t need to be the case!

About a year ago, that’s how I felt about my life, too. Although I had a lot going for me, I was drastically unhappy with where my life seemed to be going. At the time, I was working a government job in rural Japan. It was a job that I hated, that left me sitting at my desk for hours on end, and didn’t give me the freedom to use my time constructively. I felt as though I wasn’t really able to contribute at all.

It was hard to see a solution. I had spent so much energy just getting this job in the first place, to find that I now hated it made me feel like I was trapped. It seemed like I was going to be stuck there forever.



Yet now I live in Kyoto, in a two storey house with a personal office. I wake up every day motivated and exited. I work at a start-up I created with my friends, I recently published my first novel, and I’m earning income that’s comparable to what I was earning before. Most importantly, I’m happy.

Even though it might sound counter-intuitive, I didn’t arrive here by moving past my problems. I got here by getting deeper involved with them, and using them to guide me towards the life I wanted to live.

Intuitively, people don’t like dealing with problems, and that’s entirely understandable: Our problems are never pleasant. They’re usually things that we want to get farther away from.

And yet the truth is that if we do the opposite, we have a much greater chance of finding happiness. All it requires is a little self honesty.

It’s not easy to do, but if you are willing to approach your problems using the following steps, you’ll be amazed at how quickly your life starts to change.



1. Take ownership of your problems

When we’re talking about problems that relate to our own lives, it’s common to project externally. Especially when it’s a problem where we are in some way to blame. Rather than take responsibility, we tend to attach the problem to an external force. Our job, the government, bad luck.

The problem with doing this is that those are all things that we can’t do anything about.

When I was working my old job, I spent a lot of time grumbling about the Japanese way of doing things. Because it was so different from my last government job in Australia, I managed to convince myself that’s why I was unhappy. In reality, the real problem had nothing to do with that at all. When I reflected on exactly why I wasn’t enjoying my day to day work life, I realised it was because I wasn’t finding enough challenges. That was on me. If I wanted to, I could have changed how I approached my work to make it more challenging, but instead I blamed it on something else.

2. Understand the real problem.

A lot of them time people get distracted by what looks like it hurts, even though the real pain is coming from somewhere else. In life, we tend to pay more attention to how we are affected by our problems rather than what’s causing them in the first place.

However, if you’re only ever fixing the side effects, you’ll never deal with the real issue, and those side effects will, sooner or later, show up again.

In my case, I realised that it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t finding enough challenges, so much as I just wasn’t really interested in the field to begin with. I’m sure I could have done any number of things to make the job more challenging, but it wouldn’t have addressed the issue that I didn’t have an interest in the type of work I was doing.

3. Take stock of what you can change

There are exactly two types of problems: those you can fix, and those you can’t. And it’s natural that the ones that you can’t do anything about are usually the big ones. Unfortunately, it also often feels like those are the real problems, and the little ones are things we can ignore.

And so we frustrate ourselves by focusing only on the big problems we can’t immediately change.

But just because a problem is unsolvable now doesn’t mean that it won’t be unsolvable in the future.

In fact, it’s very often the case that by focusing on the problems you can solve, the problems that used to seem too big to approach will either become more manageable, or stop being problems altogether.

When I decided I didn’t like the field I was in, I realised I needed to find a new job. But just trying to approach that on its own was way too much. So rather than trying to approach the issue as one big hurdle, I started looking at what I could do.

In my case, the one thing I could start doing immediately was save money. I knew that sooner or later if I wanted to get into a new career I’d have to leave my job, which meant there would probably be a time where there was no money coming in at all. To get myself past that, I started putting money away.

The more money I had saved up, the smaller the problem of quitting my job seemed to become, until it was almost trivial.

4. Start small, and gradually get larger

When you feel like you’re in a rut, showing yourself that you can make a change is more important than the change itself. When people start to actively take steps to overcome their problems, often they’ve been in a position of disempowerment for so long they feel like doing anything at all is impossible.

When I started saving money, it was only a little at a time. Barely a trickle, barely enough to hurt. But it was something. And it was empowering knowing that I was actually taking steps towards getting control of my life. That sense of empowerment allowed me to start saving larger chunks of money at a time. It helped me to feel more aware of, and in control of my finances, and that allowed me to feel confident enough to tackle problems which originally had just seemed like just way too hard.

Let your problems guide you

When I first started looking critically at my own life, all I could see were barriers between me and being happy. If I had just left it at that, then I might never have left that place. But because I chose to engage critically and honestly with my problems, it showed me exactly which steps I needed to take in order to achieve success.

If you want to push your life in the direction it was meant to go, the most important thing you can do is never mistake your problems as the cause for your unhappiness. You’re only ever really unhappy when you have problems and you don’t do anything about them.

Instead of the road blocks between you and where you want to go, think of your problems as the sign posts that exist in your life to start showing you the way forward.

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