Self-Worth: Why Not Make Yourself A Priority?

When is the last time you did something nice for yourself? Has it been months, possibly years? In order for you to love others, you must first love yourself. A way to increase your self-worth is to make yourself a priority. This may seem foreign to some women. Many of us have been taught to put everyone else's needs before ours. We were taught certain beliefs in our childhoods that we have carried with us into adulthood. Without realizing it, these beliefs have shaped our behaviors as adults. We picked up on certain things and learned certain things based on who we grew up around and what we were exposed to. For example, if you grew up seeing your mother fix everyone's plate first and she always ate last, then you may have grown up to believe that you are always supposed to eat last. I'm not saying whether that is right or wrong, it was just an example to show how our beliefs affect us. Whatever we were taught is what we have come to believe and it shows up in our lives. If you did not grow up seeing or having examples of women loving themselves and taking care of themselves, then you probably don't do that. Try to become aware of why you don't or have not made yourself a priority. Having some understanding of whom or what may have helped create your beliefs positively impacts you.

Self-love is an absolute must. Putting yourself first is good for you and everyone around you. The better you feel, the better your energy. That good energy spreads to other areas of your life. It's never too late to make a change. What brings you joy? What makes you feel good inside? Do you have a hobby that you always enjoyed but put on the backburner? Think about the things that make you smile or that get you excited just thinking about them. It could be anything. For some women, it may be dancing. For some, it may be painting. For some, it may simply be reading a good book. Whatever it is for you, try to get back to that in some way. Take time out for yourself. Give more to yourself. When you're happy on the inside, it radiates on the outside. Putting your energy into something that you really like, love or feel good about makes you feel good. When you feel good, you are more confident. There's nothing like a confident woman who knows her self-worth.

Today's women are doing it all. We all get caught up in our busy lives but we deserve time to ourselves. We deserve time to unwind and do something to rejuvenate ourselves. Whether it's going to the spa, getting your hair done, a massage, etc., the point is to do whatever makes you feel good. Love yourself. Even just dedicating an hour of quiet time to yourself could be how you give to yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and making yourself a priority. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You deserve that.

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What Does Being Authentic Really Mean to You?

I was reading about character vs. characterization in novel writing, and this led me to contemplate what it means to be authentic. When writers craft a novel, they need characters and need to develop the characters in a way that makes them feel real to readers. This means the writers have to know as much about the characters as possible, from eye color to habits to prime motivation in life. This is called characterization. Character is what is demonstrated when a character in a novel faces a challenge-shows their true colors, as the saying goes. It's the stuff they're made of, when push comes to shove. It's the same for us.

It's fairly easy to create a characterization, a presentation, of ourselves for others to see and believe: we can let them see whatever we prefer they see. With others, we can pay attention to what they say and do, and even what we intuit about them when we're with them, which gives us more information beyond what we see. But all of this leads to the question: what is authenticity really about?

What if it's really about how you feel about yourself, rather than what you say or do, or how you look? After all, any of us can at anytime say and do things that don't feel authentic to us but we believe is what is expected of us, or dress a certain way, whether it feels natural or not. Do you believe that to be truly authentic, you have to spill every bean about yourself to everyone? Can you keep anything private or be discerning about who you share what with and still be authentic?

As I pondered these questions, I thought about the fact that the world is peopled with introverts and extroverts. People have traits of both, but in their individual quantities. Carolyn Gregoire wrote the following in an article for The Huffington Post: "As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying "introverted personality" as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), a manual used to diagnose mental illness. But more and more introverts are speaking out about what it really means to be a 'quiet' type."

I admit that for a long time I believed that outgoing people (extroverts) were demonstrating the one and only way to be authentic; so, because I'm a more quiet type (80% introvert, according to an online test I took), I judged myself as not being as authentic as someone who says, or seems to say, whatever they feel like saying about anything, and to anyone, at any time. To all you introverts out there, if you've been feeling less authentic because you're a more quiet type or because you feel a certain way and it clashes with what some believe is more "normal" or authentic (or commercially viable) behavior, you can relax and be yourself. You can gladly laugh at those online poster images that say things like "Introverts unite--in your separate homes." You get the joke better than anyone.

Gregoire included a list of 23 signs of an introvert in her article, which I'm going to share here as well as some comments about extroverts. Keep in mind that some people you might call an extrovert may actually have a bit or a good bit of introvert in them, just as introverts have a bit or a good bit of extrovert in them. You may resonate more with some of what's listed below than with others--we're all composites when it comes to our personality. Here are the 23 signs (my comments are in parentheses):

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome. (As an introvert, I'll say that's putting it mildly. Too much small talk can make introverts feel tired and annoyed-it's like static on a radio to them. Introverts can and will engage in small talk, but it doesn't take long for them to look for or wish for an exit. A number of aspects that follow can all be tied back into this one. Extroverts, however, will carry on conversations about anything and enjoy it well enough, if not a lot.)

2. You go to parties -- but not to meet people. (Introverts, when they do go to parties, go to see people they know, to be with people who accept them as they are and they can be relaxed around. If they do connect with a new person in a real way, they'll enjoy it. Extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

3. You often feel alone in a crowd. (Introverts don't like crowds, or like them in small doses. They have to mentally prepare themselves for crowds. Again, extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony. (Introverts prefer deeper conversations that lead to real connection. They know it may take a lot of small talk first, to find someone who will engage in deeper conversations (see No. 1). And, yet again, extroverts tend to be "the more the merrier" types.)

5. You've been called "too intense." (Introverts prefer deeper thoughts and conversations-they need them because that's their nature. They'll engage in lighter conversations, but only for so long. This doesn't mean extroverts don't enjoy deeper conversations, but they don't fuel and feed many extroverts as they do introverts.)

6. You're easily distracted. (This refers to an introvert being in an overly-stimulating environment, which stifles clear or deeper thought and engagement. Introverts may zone out in such situations, in order to conserve energy. Extroverts are comfortable in overly-stimulating environments; it fuels them.)

7. Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you. (Downtime is a necessity for introverts. They need it to recharge their batteries and to stimulate their creativity. A whole day alone with a good book or some other downtime experience is like heaven to an introvert. Longer is even better. Extroverts tend to thrive on stimulation that comes from others and activities. They can take only so much alone time; introverts can take only so much social engagement.)

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards. (For all the reasons listed above and below. Extroverts are eager to mingle.)

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -- not in the middle. (Or prefer end or back seats wherever you go-like in a theater, for fast getaways, if needed. Extroverts like to be in the mix.)

10. You start to shut down after you've been active for too long. (Introverts are often more sprinter types than marathoners, activity-wise. Extroverts have a different kind of energy reserve.)

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert. (Introverts like to sometimes ride the "waves" with an extrovert. Notice I said "sometimes." That need for quiet, alone time is always there-an introvert can actually feel or become unwell if they don't get enough of this. Extroverts may or may not understand this need, may or may not think it's a strange way to be. Life is for living, is an extrovert's motto. The introvert lives life, just from a more inward perspective.)

12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything. (Introverts like to and need to focus. It's more about how well they function and feel best than about what they do; though, they need to feel aligned with what they do. Extroverts are more outwardly adventurous. An experience, for its own sake, may be more important than alignment with it, for an extrovert.)

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation. (However if picked, an introvert might get into it, if the participation is brief enough. An extrovert might deliberately attend such a performance and even volunteer, vigorously.)

14. You screen all your calls -- even from friends. (Sophia Dembling, author of "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World," said, "To me, a ringing phone is like having somebody jump out of a closet and go 'BOO!'" Introverts prefer to be mentally and energetically ready for phone calls (see No. 1). Plus, when deep in thought, which is often, they don't respond well to being disturbed. Extroverts love to engage anytime. It's stimulation that feeds them.)

15. You notice details that others don't. (Unless an introvert is distracted by an overly-stimulating environment, they notice details; and these can be physical ones, but often are inner ones, like emotional dynamics. Extroverts, like introverts, notice whatever they attune to, but it may be more about what someone says than why they say it.)

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue. (Introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak; and as natural thinkers, they think and process thoughts all the time. Extroverts are more comfortable with speaking first and thinking about it later. They're also more comfortable acting without thinking it through first. Both of these aspects are something introverts sometimes wish they were comfortable doing, but the fact is they aren't. Both of these are things extroverts sometimes wish they hadn't done, but it's their nature.)

17. You have low blood pressure. (A scientific study said introverts tend to have lower BP than extroverts do. This makes sense, since introverts look for deeper meanings and have all that quiet alone time to do it in. Extroverts are out there, living on the edge, for the most part. There's going to be a certain amount of stress in that way of living.) 

18. You've been called an "old soul" -- since your 20s. (Again, introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak, which can seem like wisdom to others (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't). Extroverts tend to be more in-the-moment types-the time is now, to speak and act, which is sometimes wise and sometimes isn't.)

19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings (Like, say, at big parties. Extroverts respond to their environments differently than introverts-they align with the energy, while introverts look for what and who they are in true alignment with).

20.You look at the big picture. (Introverts tend to be okay with details and facts, but can also engage abstract concepts, as well. Some extroverts are, again, in-the-moment types. What's happening in front of them is what's happening. Introverts tend to look for the undercurrents and dynamics.)

21.You've been told to "come out of your shell." (Introverts come out of their shells when they feel like it, thank you. But they keep their shells close by. Extroverts have shells, and sometimes they visit them.)

22.You're a writer. (Some introverts find it easier to communicate through writing; plus, all that time alone to think charges up their creativity. This doesn't mean extroverts don't write, but the ones that do likely have enough introvert in them to support this. Many extroverts would prefer to speak than write. The alone-time it takes to write might be too much for them. They may prefer to dictate their writings and have someone else type them up.)

23.You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity. (Too much activity can stress and tire an introvert. They know how much socializing, work, and downtime works for them. Some extroverts have to wear themselves out before they realize it's time, or past time, for downtime.)

We cannot all be the same, or some of us aren't needed. We need extroverts to enliven life and moments and stimulate the energy so it doesn't go stale. We need introverts to keep things real, to provide the bigger picture, and to calm things down. Life is like a musical composition: We need the notes (extroverts) and the rests between the notes (introverts). If a composition is all rests, there's no music. If it's all notes with no rests, there's no pause to breathe, and performers and listeners alike will pass out or gasp for air. To those of you who are extroverts, thank you for what you offer to the world and to introverts who benefit from "just enough" excitement from time to time. To those of you who are introverts, did you notice how many of the 23 are about being authentic? So if you were comparing yourself to extroverts, as I was, stop it. Both are authentic. Both are needed.

I think it's more important that you feel authentic than "appear" authentic to others so that you then perceive yourself as authentic. Authenticity comes from within, never from outside of you. Who are you comfortable being in your everyday life? Who are you--what is your true character or nature--when you face challenges? It's okay to be who you are and it's okay to discover who that is as life presents changes to and for you. It's okay to share as much of your authentic self with others as you feel comfortable with; but be sure to share it with yourself. Know thyself. Love thyself. It's a good practice, one you'll appreciate.

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4 Steps That Will Turn Your Problems into a Guide For Success

It’s way too easy to get caught up in your problems. It starts out with something small, a tiny hint that you’re not entirely happy with how things have turned out. It’s a loose thread on the shoulder of your sweater. The more you pick at it, the longer it seems to become. One problem leads to another, the issues start to pile up, until it feels like you’re in over your head. Before you know it, you’ve picked at that little thread so much your whole sweater has fallen to pieces and you’re standing in the middle of a pile of yarn.

When you’re in a bad place, or you feel you’ve been dealt a bad hand, it’s only natural to start looking for reasons. And when we find out what the problem is, our natural instinct is to start digging deeper and deeper into that problem, only focusing on the negatives, until we convince ourselves that the whole situation is hopeless and entirely out of our control.


But that doesn’t need to be the case!

About a year ago, that’s how I felt about my life, too. Although I had a lot going for me, I was drastically unhappy with where my life seemed to be going. At the time, I was working a government job in rural Japan. It was a job that I hated, that left me sitting at my desk for hours on end, and didn’t give me the freedom to use my time constructively. I felt as though I wasn’t really able to contribute at all.

It was hard to see a solution. I had spent so much energy just getting this job in the first place, to find that I now hated it made me feel like I was trapped. It seemed like I was going to be stuck there forever.



Yet now I live in Kyoto, in a two storey house with a personal office. I wake up every day motivated and exited. I work at a start-up I created with my friends, I recently published my first novel, and I’m earning income that’s comparable to what I was earning before. Most importantly, I’m happy.

Even though it might sound counter-intuitive, I didn’t arrive here by moving past my problems. I got here by getting deeper involved with them, and using them to guide me towards the life I wanted to live.

Intuitively, people don’t like dealing with problems, and that’s entirely understandable: Our problems are never pleasant. They’re usually things that we want to get farther away from.

And yet the truth is that if we do the opposite, we have a much greater chance of finding happiness. All it requires is a little self honesty.

It’s not easy to do, but if you are willing to approach your problems using the following steps, you’ll be amazed at how quickly your life starts to change.



1. Take ownership of your problems

When we’re talking about problems that relate to our own lives, it’s common to project externally. Especially when it’s a problem where we are in some way to blame. Rather than take responsibility, we tend to attach the problem to an external force. Our job, the government, bad luck.

The problem with doing this is that those are all things that we can’t do anything about.

When I was working my old job, I spent a lot of time grumbling about the Japanese way of doing things. Because it was so different from my last government job in Australia, I managed to convince myself that’s why I was unhappy. In reality, the real problem had nothing to do with that at all. When I reflected on exactly why I wasn’t enjoying my day to day work life, I realised it was because I wasn’t finding enough challenges. That was on me. If I wanted to, I could have changed how I approached my work to make it more challenging, but instead I blamed it on something else.

2. Understand the real problem.

A lot of them time people get distracted by what looks like it hurts, even though the real pain is coming from somewhere else. In life, we tend to pay more attention to how we are affected by our problems rather than what’s causing them in the first place.

However, if you’re only ever fixing the side effects, you’ll never deal with the real issue, and those side effects will, sooner or later, show up again.

In my case, I realised that it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t finding enough challenges, so much as I just wasn’t really interested in the field to begin with. I’m sure I could have done any number of things to make the job more challenging, but it wouldn’t have addressed the issue that I didn’t have an interest in the type of work I was doing.

3. Take stock of what you can change

There are exactly two types of problems: those you can fix, and those you can’t. And it’s natural that the ones that you can’t do anything about are usually the big ones. Unfortunately, it also often feels like those are the real problems, and the little ones are things we can ignore.

And so we frustrate ourselves by focusing only on the big problems we can’t immediately change.

But just because a problem is unsolvable now doesn’t mean that it won’t be unsolvable in the future.

In fact, it’s very often the case that by focusing on the problems you can solve, the problems that used to seem too big to approach will either become more manageable, or stop being problems altogether.

When I decided I didn’t like the field I was in, I realised I needed to find a new job. But just trying to approach that on its own was way too much. So rather than trying to approach the issue as one big hurdle, I started looking at what I could do.

In my case, the one thing I could start doing immediately was save money. I knew that sooner or later if I wanted to get into a new career I’d have to leave my job, which meant there would probably be a time where there was no money coming in at all. To get myself past that, I started putting money away.

The more money I had saved up, the smaller the problem of quitting my job seemed to become, until it was almost trivial.

4. Start small, and gradually get larger

When you feel like you’re in a rut, showing yourself that you can make a change is more important than the change itself. When people start to actively take steps to overcome their problems, often they’ve been in a position of disempowerment for so long they feel like doing anything at all is impossible.

When I started saving money, it was only a little at a time. Barely a trickle, barely enough to hurt. But it was something. And it was empowering knowing that I was actually taking steps towards getting control of my life. That sense of empowerment allowed me to start saving larger chunks of money at a time. It helped me to feel more aware of, and in control of my finances, and that allowed me to feel confident enough to tackle problems which originally had just seemed like just way too hard.

Let your problems guide you

When I first started looking critically at my own life, all I could see were barriers between me and being happy. If I had just left it at that, then I might never have left that place. But because I chose to engage critically and honestly with my problems, it showed me exactly which steps I needed to take in order to achieve success.

If you want to push your life in the direction it was meant to go, the most important thing you can do is never mistake your problems as the cause for your unhappiness. You’re only ever really unhappy when you have problems and you don’t do anything about them.

Instead of the road blocks between you and where you want to go, think of your problems as the sign posts that exist in your life to start showing you the way forward.

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