Wouldn’t it be great to interact exclusively with people you
like?
It would, but the truth is, you will often encounter people
who rub you the wrong way, who say or do things that irritate you.
It could be that someone is habitually late or doesn’t do
what they say they’re going to do.
Perhaps it’s someone who is rude and disrespectful. It could
be someone who doesn’t listen or who is very arrogant and full of themselves.
How Smart People Deal With People They Don’t Like
Whatever the situation, whether this person is a family
member, a colleague, or simply someone you encounter at the grocery store, here
are some tips to help you feel better about any interaction with them.
1. Accept them
There will always be people who don’t see things the way you
do and who don’t behave the way you would.
When you have high
expectations of yourself, most likely you’ll have very high
expectations of others as well, and the higher your expectations, the more you
risk being disappointed.
Before you judge someone else though, recognise that you
don’t fully know them or their situation (even if it’s someone you’ve known for
a long time). You’re simply seeing their behaviour in this moment.
You don’t know, and can’t know what’s really behind that.
Everyone has a unique story.
Everyone has challenges and difficulties that can cause them
to behave in ways that you might find unacceptable. You don’t have to like
everyone and not everyone will like you. Nor will everyone think or behave the
same way you do.
You’ll find people much easier to deal with if you accept
this.
Then, depending on the situation, you can make a choice
about how you want to deal with them. It’s easier if it’s a casual interaction
and you can choose to simply walk away.
But what if it’s a family member or someone you have to work
with?
Even when you’re forced to interact consistently with
someone you don’t like, it’s much easier if you can accept that you don’t like
them and be okay with that. This can help you make an informed decision about
how you will interact with them going forward.
2. Identify what bothers you
Get clear on exactly what it is about this person that
bothers you.
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Stick to the facts and do your best to keep the emotion out
of it.
For example, this person might be a total narcissist, making
everything about them, taking credit for everything good and blaming others for
everything bad. You might find that this really bothers you, and you may wonder
why everyone else is not able to see it.
Getting upset about it won’t help you. It’s never going to
change who this person is. This is simply what narcissists do. Now that you
know this, it’s up to you to decide how you want to interact with this person.
Perhaps you make sure, wherever you can, that other people
receive credit for work they have done so all the credit doesn’t go to one
person. Perhaps you can train yourself to ignore the behaviour or at least not
let it affect you emotionally.
It may help you to know that narcissists behave the way they
do because it covers up their insecurities and low self-esteem.
They are extremely vulnerable to criticism, and have a deep need for admiration
from others.
When you identify what bothers you and dig a little deeper
to go beyond the behaviour, you can arrive at a strategy that helps you deal
with the person and their behaviour in the most positive way possible.
3. Focus on the benefits
One technique that can help you is to think about their
positive aspects.
Everyone has good in them. What do they do well?
For example, the person with the narcissistic personality
may be an extremely good organiser. He or she may have a talent for organising people and making things happen. They may be very committed and show up when
and where they’re supposed to.
Look for the good and focus more on that than on what
bothers you. You can even sincerely compliment them on their good attributes.
This can help to put you in a more
positive emotional state when you need to deal with them.
4. Release the need to be right
The more attached you are to being right, the more you will
struggle with people you don’t like.
If you need to be right and you feel a need to prove it, you
will waste a lot of time and energy in conflict. You can know that you are
right without having to argue the point or prove your case.
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In fact, in a heated discussion, letting the other person be
right (even if you know that you are the one who is right) can take away all
the negative energy and antagonism. You can make your point and simply walk
away.
You don’t have to prove that you’re right. When two people
have an intense need to be right it can escalate any simple discussion into a
heated argument which can result in long-term disagreements and antagonism,
just because both are determined to be right.
Ask yourself: Is being right worth the time and
emotional energy expenditure?
5. Remain positive
Do you find yourself thinking about the person you don’t
like and having conversations with them in your head or find yourself going
over and over what it is you don’t like about them in your mind?
When this happens they have taken over your thoughts. You
have given away your power to that person. The only thing this does is to negatively affect
you. It does nothing to or for the other person.
Try to stick to the facts of the situation and disconnect
emotionally.
When you are connected emotionally it becomes your problem.
It can take over your life. Don’t let it. Focus on what you need to do in order
to be able to detach. Find positive ways to think about the situation. Think of
positive ways to deal with the person.
Look for something positive and make the decision that you
will not let them take over your thoughts or steal your present moment
awareness and peace.
6. Become an observer
If you find yourself reacting to someone you don’t like,
you’re giving your energy to them.
Sometimes you may encounter people who try to manipulate
your energy or who try to project their issues onto you. When you react to
that, you feed them energetically. This leaves them feeling stronger and you
feeling weaker.
They start to feel better about themselves and you start to
feel worse about yourself.
Next time you encounter such a situation, see if you can
simply observe their behaviour without being triggered or getting pulled in.
You’ll notice something interesting.
When you don’t feed them or the situation with your energy
and when you refuse to take on their issues, they are left with it all to
themselves.
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This leaves them feeling more and more uncomfortable because
they’re having to deal with their own negative energy all by themselves, since
you’re not engaging. You don’t need to take on their stuff, and you don’t need
to let them take your energy.
Become an observer and stay empowered. They will soon learn
that you are confidently grounded and can’t be messed with, making your
interactions with them much more positive for you.
7. Be willing to learn
There is always something to be learned from any difficult
or negative person or situation.
You can learn a lot about yourself, as well as others.
Whenever a difficult person enters my life I ask myself what they are teaching
me about myself. I know that once I learn whatever I’m supposed to, then that
person won’t be a problem for me any more.
Either they will move out of my life, or our interactions
will be positive. If they remain in my life, it doesn’t mean that I have to
like them, although that may be a possibility. But I can learn how to deal with
them in a positive and empowering way.
I can learn to interact with them in a way that feels good
to me, and ultimately that is my main objective, to feel as good as I can, as
often as possible.
When you are willing to learn and to actively look for the
lesson this person can teach you, you take control of your life. This is a
proactive and very powerful approach. It will teach you how to respond, as
opposed to reacting to them.
Summary
Recognise that there will always be people you don’t like
and that don’t like you – and that’s perfectly okay.
It’s all part of life and its many lessons for us.
What I have learned is that the more positive you are, and
the more you apply the techniques mentioned above, the fewer encounters you’ll
have with people you really don’t like, and when you do, you will have the
tools to deal with them in the most positive way possible.
And remember to be grateful for all the difficult people and
situations that challenge and frustrate you, because often they are our very
best teachers.
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