Not everyone is born a “people person”. Me included. I tend
to shy away from the spotlight when there are many people around. However, I
love people and am attracted to them. I find their stories fascinating and continuously
learning from them to better myself.
This explains why I love interviewing inspiring people and
reading biographies and memories. The deeper I know someone, either in person
or virtually, the more I admire them.
In my world, everyone is a teacher. We can learn from their
successes and their failures. Acknowledging them is the first path to be a
“people person” in the fullest meaning of the term.
It’s common knowledge that individuals who are good with
other people would enjoy privileges in connecting with, relating to, and
leading others. These traits are essential for success. Both extroverts and
introverts can learn these skills.
Introverts regain their energy with alone time, while
extroverts gain their strength from being out there with many people. Both
types are necessary for society and for human evolution. However, many people
misunderstood the quieter introverts for being “weak,” while the louder
extroverts are mistaken for being “strong.”
The truth is, introverts tend to think first before
speaking, while extroverts do the other way around. These traits can be learned
as well. For instance, introverts can learn to speak without any pause from
thinking too much. Extroverts can learn to think first for one or two seconds
prior to expressing verbally.
I’m an introvert and will always be. This means I think
before I speak and I find alone time recharging and relaxing. I prefer not to
be involved in loud group activities, but favor more quite group activities and
one-on-one sessions. I genuinely love people but prefer having a small group of
like-minded people with deep relationships instead of hanging out with a large
group of people whom I barely know.
Susan Cain in her 2013 best-selling book “Quiet: The Power of
Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” says that there is nothing wrong
being an introvert, for the primary difference between an introvert and an
extrovert is their source of energy.
Realizing the need to better my skills around people, I
learned the importance of the following elements when communicating. It takes
time to master them and I often fall back to my own quiet way.
Just remember to keep reframing your thoughts and words
whenever you’re communicating with people before retrieving into your private
world. Here are 5 tips you can use to become more charismatic.
HOW TO BE A PEOPLE PERSON WHEN YOU AREN’T
FIRST, PRACTICE THE GOLDEN RULE.
To relate with others better, place yourself in the other
person’s shoes. Open your heart up. Treat people like how you want to be
treated. It may sound cliche, but it’s the most important principle of
communication. When you invest in something good, it will return to you. When
you appreciate people, they will appreciate you back.
When people don’t behave well and are negative, if we keep
our positive attitude, most likely they’d change and follow our lead. For
instance, if you want others to encourage you, you can start by encouraging
them. This kind of positivity brings people closer and, together, you can bring
the best in each other.
SECOND, HOLD NO GRUDGES AND FORGIVE RIGHT AWAY.
Forgiving others right away is a sign of strength. It’s both
liberating your mind and maintaining peace at heart. For thinking introverts,
who tend to ruminate a lot, grudges would create an endless cycle that doesn’t
stop.
The more you think of something that’s “not right” in your
eyes, the more you’d ruminate, thus the more unforgiving you are and deeper the
grudge would become. Stop the vicious cycle by forgiving and letting go.
THIRD, REMOVE YOUR “EGO” TO BE SEEN “INTELLIGENT.”
Let communication flow and create a positive and friendly
atmosphere. For a nerdy introvert like me, it takes time to warm up as I tend
to talk about “big ideas” rather than personal activities.
You can start talking about whatever it is available in
front of you at that time, such as what a fine dinner it is and how good the
weather is. Start with something both of you find interesting, instead of
talking about the Congress, the latest stock price for APPL, or the recent
debate on Universal Basic Income.
FOURTH, SHOW INTEREST BY REALLY LISTENING TO OTHER’S
STORIES.
Listen to what people are saying by showing the proof of it.
Ask questions based on what they have just talked about. Make positive comments
with some facial expression.
Don’t wait for your turn to talk by nodding without really
listening. The more you practice this proactive listening, the better you
become at understanding others. And you’ll open your heart more.
FIFTH, USE “WE” INSTEAD OF I WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
Use “we” more often than “I” and frame your message to
include “we” than merely “I.” Remember that an ideal communication is a
win-win, meaning both parties gain something meaningful. Small simple things,
like attentive listening, appreciating their time, and reciprocity would
reinforce the “we” factor.
Introverts can communicate well with others and some are
even famous for it. For example, Dianne Sawyer, Julia Roberts, Abraham Lincoln,
Emma Watson, Christina Aguilera, George Stephanopoulos, and Bill Gates are all
introverts. We love them for who they are and we can attest that they are
“people persons.”
I’ve been practicing this more open communication style with
these five elements, which are both engaging and positive, for years. And I’m
still learning how to make people like me more for who I am than what I know
about the world. Everything takes time.
Three more tips:
One, if you’re super shy when dealing with others, imagine
that you’re talking to only one person whom you truly trust, like your partner
or your best friend. Trick your mind to believe it.
Two, if you become nervous, look at the wall behind the
forehead of person you’re talking to. Look at the spot in between their eyes.
You’re still looking at them, but slightly indirectly.
Three, be aware of your body language. Have an open body
language, not squeamish or closed. Study reveals that open body language also
tricks our mind to think that we’re confident and positive, as if everything
goes in our favor.
At last, be brave and watch yourself grow on daily basis.
Communicating the way “people person” does takes time and practice for
introverts. Eventually, you’ll have the so-called “charisma” to open more doors
and more opportunities.
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